The Impotent Satyr

May 9
2 min

Vics Now Offering Pizza By-the-Handful

Customers ordering by-the-handful may not have their pizza reheated, for reasons Vics' lawyers claim are 'paramount in avoiding a law suit.'

556 views0 comments

Mar 31
2 min

Hairnets, Beardnets, Now Hornets: How This Kitchen is Ushering in the New Standard for Hygeine

Elsa shined a heat lamp in her employees’ faces and was horrified by what she saw; Their mouths were humid and coated in saliva.

22 views0 comments

Feb 10
2 min

New Coworker Already Repeating Dialogue Lines

"He hadn't even worked a full week yet! He was hired on a Wednesday, and he's already said the same thing twice!"

13 views0 comments

Oct 6, 2021
2 min

Report: Funnel Jamming Drawer Yet Again

The Impotent Satyr Jeez loo-eez. Can I catch a break while reaching for a slotted spoon? I'm just trying to stir the macaroni noodles I...

26 views0 comments

Aug 15, 2021
1 min

Meconi's to Alter Name to McConi's, Serve Irish Take on Subs

The Impotent Satyr Thurston County's darling Italian sub sandwich shop announced, via a message burned onto thirty-seven hoagie roll...

207 views0 comments

Feb 13, 2021
1 min

A Comprehensive List of Animals (I Regularly Punch in the Face)

The Impotent Satyr

118 views0 comments

Feb 9, 2021
1 min

Exposing Olympia's Beyblade Underworld

The Impotent Satyr

490 views0 comments

Feb 2, 2021
1 min

The Man Who Held In All of His Farts Until He was Elected Senator

The Impotent Satyr

275 views0 comments

Sep 27, 2020
1 min

"Hell has a new resident," Says Local Candidate & Paste-Eater C Davis—He's Not Entirely Wrong

Rip and tear, until women's rights are upheld.

54 views0 comments

Sep 13, 2020
2 min

Bullied Student Dons Mask & Brings Temperature Gun to School, Opens Fire

His thermometer gun is drawn and aimed at the forehead of 1st string quarterback and "COVID is a hoax" enthusiast Broman Guyperson.

31 views0 comments

Aug 11, 2020
2 min

Biden: "Sure, I Sniffed a Woman's Hair Once or Twice In College, But I Never Inhaled"

So I took a lady, Mary Jane, from a guy on my left, and then I poked my nose through her curls and took in a whiff. BUT I DID NOT INHALE!

32 views0 comments

Aug 2, 2020
2 min

Speed Racer Fan Theory Confirmed: "Yes, Everyone is Cumming Their Pants Constantly"

"Every executive at TV Tokyo knew exactly that those moans weren't of astonishment"

302 views0 comments

Jul 28, 2020
2 min

Unhinged Rainy Day Records Employee Accepts Yet Another 'Better Than Ezra: Deluxe' Trade-In

"Alright," the Lead Manager said in a defeated tone. "Slap a '98 cents' sticker on that thing and add it to the pile."

286 views0 comments

Jul 26, 2020
3 min

Altar Boy on Third Attempt to Extinguish Candle Really Feeling God's Mockery

Sweat slid down Jose's temples and dripped onto the fruit punch-stained collar of his alb.

40 views0 comments

Jul 15, 2020
2 min

City Manager Concludes There Not Enough Bumps on 1-5 On-Ramp at Exit 107

Right now the bumps in the road give drivers a jarring, earthquake-like sensation that has their morning coffee thrashing about and spilling

506 views0 comments

Jun 14, 2020
1 min

Grad Celebrates Digital Commencement, Chooses 'Chocolatey Chip' Over Original Eggos

Yo, Aunt Jemima, we'll convene when these bad boys are luke warm and supine on my plate.

43 views0 comments

May 31, 2020
2 min

Regressives Initiate All-Inclusive Orgy in Hopes of Reverting County to Phase 1

"We're gonna fuck and fuck some more until we get our social distancing restrictions back again—this time enforced by police."

327 views0 comments

Mar 22, 2020
2 min

In Midst of Apocalypse, Man Receives Text That 420 West, Carpenter Still Open for Business

"I mean, the whole city is on fire; why shouldn't my lungs be?" West Olympian Aarnold Lemonberry reasoned aloud with himself.

551 views0 comments

Mar 20, 2020
2 min

I Hate Fake People But This Bitch Didn't Smile When Taking My Order

If you can't fake a smile when my presence is presented, know that I take it as an act of aggression. First Fallujah, then Aleppo, now Oly.

633 views0 comments

Mar 7, 2020
4 min

Mike Pence Awkwardly Stands Behind COVID-19-Infected Person Until Virus Leaves Host

"Get your ass out here, you blasphemous homosexu—uh, sorry, force of habit."

329 views0 comments

Mar 1, 2020
2 min

Rookie Mistake: This Idiot Just Entered New Moon Cafe w/o Signing in Outside

We are expected to write down our Olympia names (River, Forest, Moon Unit, Ranger, Sunshine) on the notepad adjacent to New Moon's entrance.

598 views0 comments

Feb 23, 2020
2 min

Curbing Worker Idling: Aramark Installs Large Hanging Drinking Water Tubes at Evergreen Locations

"I now have all this extra time to get some real work done," Ryin told us as he exited the building for his third twenty-minute break.

713 views0 comments

Feb 14, 2020
2 min

Horrified Jay's Shopper Realizes Basket Exclusively Phallic Veggies, Adds Nuts to Avoid Suspicion

"At first he was only loading up on thick and long vegetables: a gargantuan carrot, a monstrous cucumber, truly a leviathan of a zucchini."

231 views0 comments

Feb 8, 2020
1 min

YES for YES

I received this in the mail and was feeling nostalgic about voting season.

243 views0 comments

Jan 27, 2020
2 min

Intoxicated Woman Bound for QB Mistakenly Enters Spidermonkey, Still Gets Burrito

"I saw her pointing somewhat toward her mouth area and yelling, 'Put it here, dummy.'"

181 views0 comments

Jan 11, 2020
1 min

Report: Cutting Board Still Smells Like Garlic

"But surely the odor won't latch onto this apple that I'm about to cut up, right?"

53 views0 comments

Dec 30, 2019
2 min

Due to Circumstances Beyond Control, City No Longer Accepting Curbside 4-Chord Musicians

The Impotent Satyr "Due to oversupply and limited markets, we have seen a dramatic increase in costs associated with buying your child or...

121 views0 comments

Dec 19, 2019
1 min

Redditor Moving to Olympia Receives Unanimously Agreed Upon, Unbiased Answers From r/Olympia

"Know that I speak for not only this subreddit but for all of Olympia when I say that houseless people are not a problem."

830 views0 comments

Dec 18, 2019
2 min

The Mike Pence Space (from women) Force

"I need muscle-bound men with guns and testosterone to keep the women at a forty-foot buffer while I go about my job in the White House."

32 views0 comments

Dec 12, 2019
2 min

Henchman Complains to HR After Being Stationed Next to Red Barrel

"I don't even know what's inside those barrels, but I saw one explode last week and kill twelve dudes--blew their skin clean off."

30 views0 comments

Dec 4, 2019
2 min

Olympia TRL Closed Until Feb 3, Librarians Engage in Raucous Month-Long Bender

One librarian used page 489 from the 1994 edition of Plants of the Pacific Northwest Coast to roll a sizeable but tight blunt.

325 views0 comments

Nov 11, 2019
3 min

Evergreen's Flaming Eggplant Cafe to Reopen After Discovering Sanitizer

For the next hour, Ken wowed those in attendance with absurd science-fiction tales of refrigeration units kept at a temp below 41 degrees.

431 views0 comments

Nov 6, 2019
1 min

One Last Political Ad (Before We Watch This Kid Get Chucked in the Lake)

Vote to re-elect Cheryl Selby or she'll chuck this kid in Capitol Lake

126 views0 comments

Nov 6, 2019
1 min

Tree Dropping Leaves AGAIN; Sacrificing 1st Born Son Did NOTHING

"What a waste of a perfectly good beer-fetcher."

3 views0 comments

Nov 4, 2019
1 min

Nathaniel Jones for Mayor--Endorsed by Nathaniel Jones

Nathaniel Jones didn't write those quotes about himself. He is very popular. And, like Kim Jong-il, he golfed a perfect game then retired.

280 views0 comments

Oct 31, 2019
1 min

Cheryl's Ommitments

"Cheryl is every mayor in Thurston county." -Senator Sam Hunt

144 views0 comments

Oct 29, 2019
1 min

Boots for City Council Position 2

The council must pull themselves up by their boot straps instead of relying on their feeble velcro (wasted tax-payer dollars) to save them.

140 views0 comments

Oct 25, 2019
1 min

Helen Wheatley for Boat Decommissioner

"I would be honored to serve with Helen Wheatley in the impending boat genocide. Together we can return the Port to the people." -E. J. Zita

157 views0 comments

Oct 21, 2019
2 min

Olympia Furniture Co. Sign Spinner Listening to Job-Mandated Upholstery ASMR

"I walked into Mr. Nelson's office and found him rubbing his chin on a Coaster memory foam mattress!"

96 views0 comments

Oct 19, 2019
2 min

Crooked Cops Plant Finger Gun in Mime's Hand After Fatal Shooting

"The officers involved reported that the individual was trapped inside of an invisible glass box."

26 views0 comments

Oct 14, 2019
2 min

TESC Facilities Workers Given LEGO Technic Sets to Repair Deteriorated Maintenance Systems

"I don't know how I'm supposed to use this to clean up asbestos; I don't know how I'm supposed to use this to clean up anything."

214 views0 comments

Oct 11, 2019
1 min

Trump Abandons Kurdish Allies, Citing Their Lack of Help in American Revolutionary War

"Do you remember Kurds in the boat with George Washington when he crossed the Delaware? I don't remember Kurd in the boat with George."

22 views0 comments

Oct 9, 2019
2 min

"You Don't Even Piss Without Asking First" OHS Climate Action Club Instructs City Council

Shen breathed heavily and mightily into the flimsy audio receptacle. "I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."

130 views0 comments

Oct 4, 2019
2 min

Energy Sec. Rick Perry Expected to Resign Once Out of Coloring Books

"He's a Nickelodeon guy through and through," another source tells me.

13 views0 comments

Sep 26, 2019
2 min

Lady Burns Tongue Sampling Coffee in B&B Tasting Room, Acts Like it Fine When it Not at All

"You should also be getting hints of Tian Shan mountain range gravel," the barista sold, touching her thumbs to fingers, pedaling her hands.

182 views0 comments

Sep 23, 2019
2 min

If Emmet O'Connell Has to Remind One More Guest That This the OLYMPIA Standard He'll Say Cuss Word

"I feel the bulging sensation of an expletive coming down the pipeline!"

414 views0 comments

Sep 20, 2019
2 min

After 10 Years in Business Burial Grounds Considering Using Coffee Beans

When I found that unidentifiable liquid in the back of the refrigerator and worked it into the special of the day called The Cold Case Vial

362 views0 comments

Sep 18, 2019
2 min

After Wane in Funding, Olympia Film Society Just Winging it w/ Shadow Puppets

"I can make a rock," piped up Tom Rieger, holding a fist in the air.

184 views0 comments

Sep 16, 2019
2 min

Spooner Berry Farms Now Offering Strawberry Puree I.V. Directly into Veins

We have seven gurneys surrounding the wooden hut and staff that have taken and passed a one-hour online course certifying them in I.V. use.

377 views0 comments

Sep 14, 2019
2 min

Oly PD Sweep 4th Ave Bridge Camp, Uncover Non-Regulation Yu-gi-oh Dueling Ring

"It's worse than we thought," said Chief of Police Ronnie Roberts. "They're playing unsupervised non-regulation Yu-gi-oh card tournaments."

510 views0 comments