I don't have much to say about this.

Food scientists at Standford & Sons University have bio-engineered the very first food that is not sexual in any way, shape, or form.

"Believe it or not, while hanging from this adhesive tape covered in dead flies, I've found God. And She has a proboscis."

Customers ordering by-the-handful may not have their pizza reheated, for reasons Vics' lawyers claim are 'paramount in avoiding a law suit.'

Elsa shined a heat lamp in her employees’ faces and was horrified by what she saw; Their mouths were humid and coated in saliva.

"He hadn't even worked a full week yet! He was hired on a Wednesday, and he's already said the same thing twice!"

The Impotent Satyr Jeez loo-eez. Can I catch a break while reaching for a slotted spoon? I'm just trying to stir the macaroni noodles I...

The Impotent Satyr Thurston County's darling Italian sub sandwich shop announced, via a message burned onto thirty-seven hoagie roll...

The Impotent Satyr

The Impotent Satyr

The Impotent Satyr

Rip and tear, until women's rights are upheld.

His thermometer gun is drawn and aimed at the forehead of 1st string quarterback and "COVID is a hoax" enthusiast Broman Guyperson.

So I took a lady, Mary Jane, from a guy on my left, and then I poked my nose through her curls and took in a whiff. BUT I DID NOT INHALE!

"Every executive at TV Tokyo knew exactly that those moans weren't of astonishment"

"Alright," the Lead Manager said in a defeated tone. "Slap a '98 cents' sticker on that thing and add it to the pile."

Sweat slid down Jose's temples and dripped onto the fruit punch-stained collar of his alb.

Right now the bumps in the road give drivers a jarring, earthquake-like sensation that has their morning coffee thrashing about and spilling

Yo, Aunt Jemima, we'll convene when these bad boys are luke warm and supine on my plate.

"We're gonna fuck and fuck some more until we get our social distancing restrictions back again—this time enforced by police."

"I mean, the whole city is on fire; why shouldn't my lungs be?" West Olympian Aarnold Lemonberry reasoned aloud with himself.

If you can't fake a smile when my presence is presented, know that I take it as an act of aggression. First Fallujah, then Aleppo, now Oly.

"Get your ass out here, you blasphemous homosexu—uh, sorry, force of habit."

We are expected to write down our Olympia names (River, Forest, Moon Unit, Ranger, Sunshine) on the notepad adjacent to New Moon's entrance.

"I now have all this extra time to get some real work done," Ryin told us as he exited the building for his third twenty-minute break.

"At first he was only loading up on thick and long vegetables: a gargantuan carrot, a monstrous cucumber, truly a leviathan of a zucchini."

I received this in the mail and was feeling nostalgic about voting season.

"I saw her pointing somewhat toward her mouth area and yelling, 'Put it here, dummy.'"

"But surely the odor won't latch onto this apple that I'm about to cut up, right?"

The Impotent Satyr "Due to oversupply and limited markets, we have seen a dramatic increase in costs associated with buying your child or...

"Know that I speak for not only this subreddit but for all of Olympia when I say that houseless people are not a problem."

"I need muscle-bound men with guns and testosterone to keep the women at a forty-foot buffer while I go about my job in the White House."

"I don't even know what's inside those barrels, but I saw one explode last week and kill twelve dudes--blew their skin clean off."

One librarian used page 489 from the 1994 edition of Plants of the Pacific Northwest Coast to roll a sizeable but tight blunt.

For the next hour, Ken wowed those in attendance with absurd science-fiction tales of refrigeration units kept at a temp below 41 degrees.

Vote to re-elect Cheryl Selby or she'll chuck this kid in Capitol Lake

"What a waste of a perfectly good beer-fetcher."

Nathaniel Jones didn't write those quotes about himself. He is very popular. And, like Kim Jong-il, he golfed a perfect game then retired.

"Cheryl is every mayor in Thurston county." -Senator Sam Hunt

The council must pull themselves up by their boot straps instead of relying on their feeble velcro (wasted tax-payer dollars) to save them.

"I would be honored to serve with Helen Wheatley in the impending boat genocide. Together we can return the Port to the people." -E. J. Zita

"I walked into Mr. Nelson's office and found him rubbing his chin on a Coaster memory foam mattress!"

"The officers involved reported that the individual was trapped inside of an invisible glass box."

"I don't know how I'm supposed to use this to clean up asbestos; I don't know how I'm supposed to use this to clean up anything."

"Do you remember Kurds in the boat with George Washington when he crossed the Delaware? I don't remember Kurd in the boat with George."

Shen breathed heavily and mightily into the flimsy audio receptacle. "I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."

"He's a Nickelodeon guy through and through," another source tells me.

"You should also be getting hints of Tian Shan mountain range gravel," the barista sold, touching her thumbs to fingers, pedaling her hands.

"I feel the bulging sensation of an expletive coming down the pipeline!"

When I found that unidentifiable liquid in the back of the refrigerator and worked it into the special of the day called The Cold Case Vial