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America Has Developed the World's First Non-Sexual Food

The Impotent Satyr and Co-writer Sammy


Food scientists at Standford & Sons University have bio-engineered the very first food that is not sexual in any way, shape, or form. Around the globe food consumers are cheering on this victory for planet Earth, as humanity reaches a new age.


"Shortly after high school I watched a man eating coleslaw alone on a park bench," researcher Rob Robrobski told journalists at a press conference. "I saw the slaw spill down onto this man's chin. And before I knew what was happening, I was aroused." Rob pointed towards the apparently same park bench about 70 meters to the east. "That day I made it my life's mission to create a food that would not arouse me in the slightest. With that said, I am pleased to announce to the world: The Abstinence Cube."


Rob Robrobski wowed onlookers by removing a small handkerchief and revealing a dry, white block underneath. Starting with boiled beans which are pressed together, Rob told the crowd, the cube is then dried to a point where it's void of all moisture. Without this last step, scientists argue, the moistness would naturally keep it in the Zone of Edible Eroticism.


However, some unruly vegans in the crowd were quick to point out that "the abstinence cube" looked an awful lot like tofu—minus the inner moisture.


It was one of those vegans, Lief Eader, who laid bare their own tale of pasta promiscuity. "It was when I watched the Lady and the Tramp split a plate of spaghetti that I found out about food's inherent sexual nature. I haven't watched that movie in decades, but I still pop a halfie when I see limp noodles smothered in marinara." From seemingly nowhere, Lief produced a box of frozen faux meatballs. "And thanks to Beyond Meat's soy balls, I can still get full-on erection."


Almost three years ago food scientists thought they had cracked the code and created the world's first non-sexual food when one lab produced "Edible Sand." It had all the same crunchy, airway-blocking properties of standard silica granules, but it was technically digestible if ever ingested. But at the late stages of testing, one extra busty scientist accidentally got the Edible Sand wet and spilled it all over themself. Upon closer examination, the wet Edible Sand clung to the scientist's every curve and cranny. Members of the lab hid their boners or changed their damp underwear and went back to the drawing board, leading to the breakthrough we have today.


The Abstinence Cube is expected to go through further taboo trials before releasing to the public, but the scientists at Standford & Sons University are confident that the hard part is over.

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