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Falanel | Flannel-Coated Falafel

Updated: Mar 21

Impotent Products

You cook some falafel. But when transporting the oily chickpea balls across the kitchen to your pita, a cool breeze blows through the apartment. You think nothing of it until you bite down on a cold falafel.


You throw the ruined wrap away in disgust...

...and make another.


This time you've shut your open wardrobe to Narnia, eliminating the cool breeze. The only downside is that you can now hear a group of children pounding on the inside of the wardrobe, begging to be let in and pleading for their lives, but I digress. You transport some freshly cooked falafel to your awaiting pita. While raising the newly assembled wrap to your mouth, you exhale through your nose. And just like that your balls feels like they just came (pause for breath) out of the freezer.


Frustrated by this cruel world, you stomp off towards your bedside drawer where a Colt .45 rests with one round chambered. Your hands firmly grip the steel as the barrel is raised to your temple. A lone, sweaty index finger begins to strain against the trigger, as your whole hand starts to shake. A hail Mary is softly spoken through trembling lips.


BUT WAIT

WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THERE WAS ANOTHER WAY?


NO?

YOU'RE STILL DEAD SET ON KILLING YOURSELF?


I GET THAT

BUT HERE ME OUT.


At Impotent Products' new restaurant, Anal About Falanel, our employees painstakingly clothe magma-hot falafel in flannel, creating our trademark product: FALANEL


Each Falanel is individually coated in a tiny, plaid flannel jacket, replete with itty bitty buttons that our employees really struggle to loop into the almost microscopic button holes. And this process is done the traditional old world way—without modern PPE like gloves—just as our nerve endings-destroyed forefathers made them.


And that's not all!


For those with a cotton allergy or sensitivity, Anal About Falanel is now offering Polyester-coated Falanel for just 17 dollars and 99 cents more!


Flannel must be removed from each individual Falanel before consumption, as it is inedible and sort of toxic. Anal About Falanel is not responsible for any deaths resulting from choking, poisoning, suffocation, or 3rd degree burns.


So come on down to Anal About Falanel and experience a mouthful of coat-coated hot, oily balls today!


Product is also sold wherever "chickpea" is understood to mean chicken pee."

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