The Impotent Satyr
"The worst part is the fact that I was attracted to the smell," Danus Highny told reporters. "It smells like slightly sweet doodoo. And I do do deserve this."
Reporters at the scene noticed a tipped-over ladder beneath Danus' dangling feet. When offered to place the ladder upright, Danus insisted that he had fully accepted his fate. "Believe it or not, while hanging from this adhesive tape covered in dead flies, I've found God. And She has a proboscis."
Danus made a buzzing sound with his lips and thrashed about for almost two minutes before ultimately slumping over and crying.
A manager from an adjacent department poked their head into the kitchen and looked upon the strange scene. After finding and maintaining eye-contact with Danus for a more-than-uncomfortable amount of time, the manager carefully backed out of the kitchen, clocked out of their shift, and promptly developed a fatal alcohol dependency.
As it was a Friday evening, Mr. Highny was due to hang there all weekend. According to official statements from Managers and Supervisors, Danus was found Monday morning with heavily soiled pants but was otherwise mostly OK.
Rather than help him, though, Kitchen Manager Elsa Burro let him hang indefinitely as a cautionary tale to other workers. Rumor has it that he's still hanging there to this day, averting his gaze from his coworkers and trying (and failing) not to fart in their faces.
