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Kingdong Hards for PlayStation 2

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Life is all beaches and halfies until evil creatures called The Hardless show up and attack Sora on his island home. With the power of the Dongblade at his fingertips, Sora forms new friendships and erections to fight back The Hardless and their dastardly plan to turn the world soft and flaccid.


Through thick-and-thin Donald, Goofy, and Sora fight the hordes of Hardless, thrusting and busting evil Dicney villains who use The Hardless like pawns in their quest to blue ball every world in existence.


"It's going to take more than a sentient blood-thinner to tame this morning wood," Sora says to his enemy right before beating the meat off their bone. That's his catchphrase. And he says it every time an enemy appears on-screen. You can't even turn it off in the settings—I checked!


And now it's happening in real life. I hear Sora speak his kill phrase to me when I look at my coworkers, when I look at my dentist, when I look at my wife and my children. Besides my dentist, those people are not my enemies. Why does Sora want me to kill my friends and family? I'm going mad. This morning I heard his voice in my head when I looked in the mirror—only this time I swear I heard him moan softly.


When I asked aloud if he had just moaned softly, Sora actually replied in my head and clarified that he had moaned "hard—not soft."


Maybe I should go back on my medication.


Anyway.


It's a race-against-the-clock as Sora, Goofy, and Donald's rigid wieners begin to wane. But our heroes must hold fast if they wish to spread open the doors to Kingdong Hards which is rumored to hold the key to infinite blood flow to the peen.


In this game, Hard Mode is the easiest difficulty.


Purchase Kingdong Hards wherever sundials are made obsolete by horizontal naked men in the sun.

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