Meconi's to Alter Name to McConi's, Serve Irish Take on Subs
The Impotent Satyr Thurston County's darling Italian sub sandwich shop announced, via a message burned onto thirty-seven hoagie roll...
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- Sep 27, 2020
"Hell has a new resident," Says Local Candidate & Paste-Eater C Davis—He's Not Entirely Wrong
Rip and tear, until women's rights are upheld.
500
- Jul 28, 2020
Unhinged Rainy Day Records Employee Accepts Yet Another 'Better Than Ezra: Deluxe' Trade-In
"Alright," the Lead Manager said in a defeated tone. "Slap a '98 cents' sticker on that thing and add it to the pile."
2680
- Jul 15, 2020
City Manager Concludes There Not Enough Bumps on 1-5 On-Ramp at Exit 107
Right now the bumps in the road give drivers a jarring, earthquake-like sensation that has their morning coffee thrashing about and spilling
4980
- Jun 14, 2020
Grad Celebrates Digital Commencement, Chooses 'Chocolatey Chip' Over Original Eggos
Yo, Aunt Jemima, we'll convene when these bad boys are luke warm and supine on my plate.
410
- May 31, 2020
Regressives Initiate All-Inclusive Orgy in Hopes of Reverting County to Phase 1
"We're gonna fuck and fuck some more until we get our social distancing restrictions back again—this time enforced by police."
3230
- Mar 22, 2020
In Midst of Apocalypse, Man Receives Text That 420 West, Carpenter Still Open for Business
"I mean, the whole city is on fire; why shouldn't my lungs be?" West Olympian Aarnold Lemonberry reasoned aloud with himself.
5450
- Mar 20, 2020
I Hate Fake People But This Bitch Didn't Smile When Taking My Order
If you can't fake a smile when my presence is presented, know that I take it as an act of aggression. First Fallujah, then Aleppo, now Oly.
6240
- Mar 7, 2020
Mike Pence Awkwardly Stands Behind COVID-19-Infected Person Until Virus Leaves Host
"Get your ass out here, you blasphemous homosexu—uh, sorry, force of habit."
3220
- Mar 1, 2020
Rookie Mistake: This Idiot Just Entered New Moon Cafe w/o Signing in Outside
We are expected to write down our Olympia names (River, Forest, Moon Unit, Ranger, Sunshine) on the notepad adjacent to New Moon's entrance.
5650
- Feb 23, 2020
Curbing Worker Idling: Aramark Installs Large Hanging Drinking Water Tubes at Evergreen Locations
"I now have all this extra time to get some real work done," Ryin told us as he exited the building for his third twenty-minute break.
7120
- Feb 14, 2020
Horrified Jay's Shopper Realizes Basket Exclusively Phallic Veggies, Adds Nuts to Avoid Suspicion
"At first he was only loading up on thick and long vegetables: a gargantuan carrot, a monstrous cucumber, truly a leviathan of a zucchini."
2170
- Feb 8, 2020
YES for YES
I received this in the mail and was feeling nostalgic about voting season.
2400
- Jan 27, 2020
Intoxicated Woman Bound for QB Mistakenly Enters Spidermonkey, Still Gets Burrito
"I saw her pointing somewhat toward her mouth area and yelling, 'Put it here, dummy.'"
1800
- Dec 30, 2019
Due to Circumstances Beyond Control, City No Longer Accepting Curbside 4-Chord Musicians
The Impotent Satyr "Due to oversupply and limited markets, we have seen a dramatic increase in costs associated with buying your child or...
1200