Olympia Satire

Sep 27

"Hell has a new resident," Says Local Candidate & Paste-Eater C Davis—He's Not Entirely Wrong

Rip and tear, until women's rights are upheld.

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Jul 28

Unhinged Rainy Day Records Employee Accepts Yet Another 'Better Than Ezra: Deluxe' Trade-In

"Alright," the Lead Manager said in a defeated tone. "Slap a '98 cents' sticker on that thing and add it to the pile."

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Jul 15

City Manager Concludes There Not Enough Bumps on 1-5 On-Ramp at Exit 107

Right now the bumps in the road give drivers a jarring, earthquake-like sensation that has their morning coffee thrashing about and spilling

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Jun 14

Grad Celebrates Digital Commencement, Chooses 'Chocolatey Chip' Over Original Eggos

Yo, Aunt Jemima, we'll convene when these bad boys are luke warm and supine on my plate.

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May 31

Regressives Initiate All-Inclusive Orgy in Hopes of Reverting County to Phase 1

"We're gonna fuck and fuck some more until we get our social distancing restrictions back again—this time enforced by police."

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Mar 22

In Midst of Apocalypse, Man Receives Text That 420 West, Carpenter Still Open for Business

"I mean, the whole city is on fire; why shouldn't my lungs be?" West Olympian Aarnold Lemonberry reasoned aloud with himself.

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Mar 20

I Hate Fake People But This Bitch Didn't Smile When Taking My Order

If you can't fake a smile when my presence is presented, know that I take it as an act of aggression. First Fallujah, then Aleppo, now Oly.

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Mar 7

Mike Pence Awkwardly Stands Behind COVID-19-Infected Person Until Virus Leaves Host

"Get your ass out here, you blasphemous homosexu—uh, sorry, force of habit."

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Mar 1

Rookie Mistake: This Idiot Just Entered New Moon Cafe w/o Signing in Outside

We are expected to write down our Olympia names (River, Forest, Moon Unit, Ranger, Sunshine) on the notepad adjacent to New Moon's entrance.

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Feb 23

Curbing Worker Idling: Aramark Installs Large Hanging Drinking Water Tubes at Evergreen Locations

"I now have all this extra time to get some real work done," Ryin told us as he exited the building for his third twenty-minute break.

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Feb 14

Horrified Jay's Shopper Realizes Basket Exclusively Phallic Veggies, Adds Nuts to Avoid Suspicion

"At first he was only loading up on thick and long vegetables: a gargantuan carrot, a monstrous cucumber, truly a leviathan of a zucchini."

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Feb 8

YES for YES

I received this in the mail and was feeling nostalgic about voting season.

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Jan 27

Intoxicated Woman Bound for QB Mistakenly Enters Spidermonkey, Still Gets Burrito

"I saw her pointing somewhat toward her mouth area and yelling, 'Put it here, dummy.'"

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Dec 30, 2019

Due to Circumstances Beyond Control, City No Longer Accepting Curbside 4-Chord Musicians

The Impotent Satyr "Due to oversupply and limited markets, we have seen a dramatic increase in costs associated with buying your child or...

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Dec 19, 2019

Redditor Moving to Olympia Receives Unanimously Agreed Upon, Unbiased Answers From r/Olympia

"Know that I speak for not only this subreddit but for all of Olympia when I say that houseless people are not a problem."

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Dec 4, 2019

Olympia TRL Closed Until Feb 3, Librarians Engage in Raucous Month-Long Bender

One librarian used page 489 from the 1994 edition of Plants of the Pacific Northwest Coast to roll a sizeable but tight blunt.

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Nov 11, 2019

Evergreen's Flaming Eggplant Cafe to Reopen After Discovering Sanitizer

For the next hour, Ken wowed those in attendance with absurd science-fiction tales of refrigeration units kept at a temp below 41 degrees.

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Nov 6, 2019

One Last Political Ad (Before We Watch This Kid Get Chucked in the Lake)

Vote to re-elect Cheryl Selby or she'll chuck this kid in Capitol Lake

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