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City Manager Concludes There Not Enough Bumps on 1-5 On-Ramp at Exit 107

Updated: Aug 16, 2020

The Impotent Satyr

After extensive surveying and data collecting, Olympia City Manager Jay Burney has concluded that Exit 107's on-ramp counterpart does not have nearly enough melon-sized, impossible-to-avoid lumps in its asphalt.

"Right now the bumps in the road give drivers a jarring, earthquake-like sensation that has their morning coffee thrashing about and spilling all over the inside of their vehicle," Jay Burney told The Impotent Satyr via a note attached to a rock that was thrown through my window. "My job is to increase that turbulence and give freeway commuters a literal panic attack and violent shaking while they're headed to work. It is a subtle art which I take very seriously."

While Mr. Burney may have majored in Industrial Engineering (and minored in Canadian Math), other Olympians with legitimate degrees and Evergreen degrees have their own opinions on the bumps:

"They're adding more, you say? Oh dear, my brittle ninety-six-year-old bones can't take any more jostling. When I inevitably die of bump-force trauma, pour my ashes into mason jars and sell them for fifty bones a pop at Ember Goods. I'm sure to have very Instagram-able campfire-like remains for their clientele." Betty W.

"If I had a nickle for every time I spilt a mug of coffee while driving over that bumpy road, I could afford a bag of FAIR TRADE coffee. But even so, I'd still buy my Folgers because, you know, fuck 'em." Donny T.

"Driving over that section of road feels like Rocky Balboa punching my ass cheeks and taint." Jason M.

"It's like my car is being hurled into and over seven-hundred god damned miniature Mima Mounds." Sam S.

Construction to add more butt-breaking bumps to the on-ramp is set to begin soon.

As an additional but separate reminder, if your vehicle has the power to transform into a bipedal robot, and you occasionally use it to save Japan from a variety of hostile behemoths, you are required to purchase a $50 tab from the Department of Licensing by September 31st or face a hefty fine.

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