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Diagnosis: 'Running With Caesars'

Impotent M.D.

A person holding two Newman's Own Caesar dressings runs out of a grocery store aisle.
"Ranch? Balsamic Vinegar? Merely gateway dressings that lead me down the slippery slope to Caesar."

Are you or a loved one suffering from the hurtful connotations associated with eating an exorbitant amount of salad? It's not your fault; Doctors are on stand-by, ready to diagnose the ailing individual with Running With Caesars: a serious medical condition brought on as a result of dousing one's romaine-laden bowl with creamy Caesar dressing--again and again and again, until that "170 calories per 2 tablespoons high" becomes normalcy.

Victims of Running With Caesars won't be seen often in public, but when they are, it's usually a brief, heart-breaking moment in a grocery store, with the afflicted cowering from the lights, avoiding eye contact, and making a haphazard B-line for the dressing aisle. Once Paul Newman's chiseled bust is resting safely in their hands, addiction takes control, and the urge to consume the bottle of 98% fat becomes too powerful to hold back, leading to a full-blown dripping-down-the-chin in-store guzzle-a-thon. A nearby child starts to cry--their parent shields their eyes and hugs the kid's shivering frame in a useless attempt to soothe them from the horror they've just witnessed, but it's too late--they're scarred for life.

The brief moment of pure bliss is gone; the addicted looks down at the half-empty bottle. Oh-no, I've gone and done it again. A small pool of Caesar dressing rests unassumingly on the floor. It would be a shame to waste such a precious pantry staple. The tongue is already out of its cage, and the body is bent over. A few laps and it's like the dressing had never escaped. But now a store manager has wandered over, slack-jawed at the whole ordeal, looking down upon this previously unseen animalistic behavior. The addict quickly grabs another bottle and sprints for the automatic doors, crying every step of the way.

Don't let this happen to you or someone you care about. Let a medical professional personally berate them, harshly criticize their poor life choices, and ween them off Caesar and start them on a diet of addict-less dressings such as "Turmeric Printer Ink", "Pool Cue Gazpacho", and "Computer Mouse-Ball Hair & Feta."

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