CREEPER VANS | Off the Ankle Monitor
How does one send out the signal, "I'm interested in abducting you off the street in open daylight"?
With CREEPER VANS, of course!
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Available on kindle, paper, and hardback!
Just start typing. Who knows what you'll find?
Also available as an
audio book on YouTube
Impotent Products
- 4 days ago
- 1 min
What to Expect When You're Expecto Patronum-ing
You brought this creature into the world; you raise it.
1 view0 comments
- 5 days ago
- 1 min
Shart Through the Heart | Novel, Thriller
Impotent Products | Henry swore up-and-down that farts could sound like wet bubbling, slopping against polyester.
1 view0 comments
- Dec 22, 2022
- 1 min
PENultimate 2.0
PENultimate 2.0 — It's not the ballpoint pen you're looking for, but it's the one you happen to find first or, rather, find second-to-last.
9 views0 comments
- Nov 1, 2022
- 1 min
Mattrescide | Queen Bed Disposal/Deposal
It's time to step away from the guillotine and give Mattrescide a call.
5 views0 comments
- Oct 27, 2022
- 1 min
Inchiladas
Perhaps it's time to talk to your proctologist about INCHILADAS. The food designed to be eaten in two bites or less.
4 views0 comments
- Oct 19, 2022
- 1 min
Marmas | Boo Raspberry
Look for Boo Raspberry Marmas in the section of the weed store where the budtender has been screaming and crying blood since the start of th
19 views0 comments
- Oct 12, 2022
- 1 min
Blur Raspberry Marmas
What does Blur Raspberry taste like, you ask?
3 views0 comments
- Jun 8, 2022
- 2 min
The Tuning Forklift
Impotent Products So you're seventeen minutes into what's supposed to be Band Aid 38 (the supergroup of famous musicians making an album...
9 views0 comments
- Jun 3, 2022
- 1 min
Fry-Burst | Chicken Cordon Bleu Raspberry
Impotent Products You know when things get put inside other things, and then you roll that up and put it in another thing? And then you...
16 views0 comments
- Sep 13, 2021
- 2 min
Yogurt Lidz
Simply throw the empty, yogurt-less plastic cup somewhere in nature or in any garbage can that's right next to a recycle bin.
16 views0 comments
- Aug 29, 2021
- 1 min
High-Wurst
High-Wurst are gummy dummy thicc frankfurters that will fill your entire mouth with smokey, Capri Sun-like flavor.
13 views0 comments
- Aug 9, 2021
- 1 min
Tat Skins
Each bag of Tat Skins contains your daily recommended intake of lower back butterfly tattoos.
13 views0 comments
- May 13, 2021
- 1 min
THCRABBLE: Mike Tython Edithion
Enjoy spelling your favorite words without the difficult-to-pronounce no-no letter, replacing it with good ol' "TH"; mother nature's "S".
10 views0 comments
- Apr 25, 2021
- 1 min
Hive-Burst | Bee-Infused Candy
I wasn't aware that BEES FIXED THE FLINT, MICHIGAN WATER CRISIS. Oh, wait, they didn't! Piss off, Jerry.
11 views0 comments
- Apr 25, 2021
- 1 min
Kakauabunga
Kick the office paper shredder and shuck open a box of Kakauabunga!
9 views0 comments
- Apr 18, 2021
- 1 min
S Cargo | French Bistro Mollusc Delivery Service
Impotent Products Impotent Products is expanding into the food delivery market! Through online polling, questionnaires, and blurting out...
7 views0 comments
- Feb 19, 2021
- 1 min
The Adventures of Marma Man and Brownicle Boy
Buy your own "Action Figures" at a weed shop near you and recreate all of Marma Man and Brownicle Boy's high-larious adventures.
12 views0 comments
- Feb 19, 2021
- 1 min
fitbitch | Fitness Devolved
Seamless smart-phone pairing lets you be disappointed by your dog anywhere. The option to relay voice messages of your shame.
10 views0 comments
- Feb 7, 2021
- 1 min
Mari's Confinemints
The grape flavor is TO DIE FOR. Billy Fishskin was transformed into a gelatinous, bloody pool AND STILL WENT BACK FOR SECONDS.
8 views0 comments
- Feb 6, 2021
- 1 min
Kàkaw | Crow Shrieks in a Box
Kàkaw is sold in the section of the weed store where a generous-but-misguided budtender is rolling joints with lotto tickets.
8 views0 comments
- Feb 5, 2021
- 1 min
Eye Brownies
They called you crazy for wanting to stick baked goods onto your face.
18 views0 comments
- Jan 10, 2021
- 1 min
Marmanaras
As basil hits your tongue, your Sicilian crone-of-a-mother-in-law nods her head in approval of you—for once. Savor it, mi amore.
18 views0 comments
- Dec 27, 2020
- 1 min
Trainimorphs
It's up to one man who can shape-shift into a train to speed around the world and collect the world's last humans with fair derrieres.
15 views0 comments
- Dec 22, 2020
- 1 min
Chee-Z Vape
Just take a nice, deep breath and let your lungs fill with thick clouds of aged cheddar. Welcome to the future—it smells like foot.
24 views0 comments
- Nov 21, 2020
- 1 min
Mari's Minced Mints
At Impotent Products, we don't deal in petty things like overly complicated packaging, egregious price-hiking, or costly quality assurance.
6 views0 comments
- Nov 14, 2020
- 1 min
Chewie's
Impotent Products Have you ever stared at your cat cleaning itself and thought, "Why should this being be the only one who gets to enjoy...
6 views0 comments
- Sep 27, 2020
- 1 min
HARMAS
Razorblades are 100% American steel. Support your country, and add a little bit (a lot) of excitement (pain) to your diet (mouth).
31 views0 comments
- Sep 23, 2020
- 1 min
KoKo Gemz
Share them with: Friends, Neighbors, Old Relatives With Preexisting Health Conditions
15 views0 comments
- Sep 7, 2020
- 1 min
Coca-Ricola
The menthol and carbonation with send you straight to the wintry planet Hoth, lost in a blizzard with no Tauntaun innards to keep you warm.
29 views0 comments
- Sep 5, 2020
- 1 min
Marmambo #5
Introducing a THC gummy for those who have it all. Marmambo #5 tastes like absolutely nothing—the one thing you don't have.
1 view0 comments
- Aug 20, 2020
- 1 min
Thigh-Burst | Watermelon Crush
Are you ready for an edible that is going to make your head feel like it's being crushed by a woman with incredibly strong thighs?
11 views0 comments
- Aug 17, 2020
- 1 min
Shawarmas
Do you know how to spell culltrol aprapriotion? I can't type it into Google to see if I shouldn't be doing this kind of thing.
0 views0 comments
- Aug 15, 2020
- 1 min
Pebbles | Diorite
It's just a box of rocks. Small rocks. Pebbles, if you will. But still Pebbles if you won't.
2 views0 comments
- Aug 6, 2020
- 2 min
Kikkoman Bed Crumbs
"Oh my god. Did you eat the entire bag?"
How many times have you been asked that question in your life? Hi, my name is Johannes Jonsonson.
11 views0 comments
- Jul 30, 2020
- 2 min
Hand Sanitaser
The Hand Sanitaser is motion-activated and indiscriminate.
14 views0 comments
- Jul 6, 2020
- 1 min
July | Grab Yourself a Fifth
Did I drive the truck onto the roof again? How is that even possible, and why can't I do it when I'm sober?
8 views0 comments
- Jun 2, 2020
- 2 min
Putin's Eggo Waffles | L'Eggo его Eggo
The ninja coughs up thick red blood that trickles down their chin and finds quarter in a trench of the Eggo waffle. "Nani!?"
33 views0 comments
- May 24, 2020
- 1 min
Marmas | Grey Poupon
One candy square tastes like just like eating a tablespoon of Grey Poupon.
1 view0 comments
- May 21, 2020
- 1 min
Marmots
Introducing the first gummy candy to guarantee a complaint to the HOA by your neighbor.
1 view0 comments
- May 3, 2020
- 1 min
The KaYak | Smelly, Non-Reusable & Biodegradable
Shipped product may be smelly and/or near-death. It is recommended that you use the KaYak immediately after receiving.
33 views0 comments
- Apr 24, 2020
- 1 min
PEZhaluysta (Made in Russia)
PEZhaluysta! The only candy that asks for consent before lodging itself into your throat.
21 views0 comments
- Apr 19, 2020
- 1 min
Bred Bull Bread-Bowl-in-a-Can!
Experience the natural sogginess of the bread's insides, and wash it down with Red Bull and some chewy bits!
23 views0 comments
- Mar 25, 2020
- 1 min
Mad Max: Fury Roll
TP alone won't save them. For where there's sand, there are sandy cheeks.
9 views0 comments
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