Guy-Burst | Hair Gel-Infused Candy
It feels like I swallowed a live hedgehog. It's like my esophagus is a window curtain, and that blue candy I swallowed was Garfield.
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Available on kindle, paper, and hardback!
Just start typing. Who knows what you'll find?
Also available as an
audio book on YouTube
Impotent Products
- Nov 12
- 1 min
Heir Fryer | The Answer to Problematic Progeny
Once your unwanted progeny has entered the chamber (in the hopes of getting his freak on), shut the door behind him and release the flames!
4 views0 comments
- Oct 9
- 1 min
Disney PIXAR Presents: Boratatouille
The health inspection was not great success. But the soup was to die. And die they did do. High five!
5 views0 comments
- Jul 13
- 2 min
Hot Sockets
Upon first bite the Hot Socket burns my mouth in 2 ways. 1st the marinara instantly perforates the roof of my mouth with second-degree burns
14 views0 comments
- Jun 2
- 1 min
Chewee's Caramels OOPS! All Salt
We made Gerald try out one of these heavily-salted caramels. After eating one, Gerald was speechless.
12 views0 comments
- Jun 1
- 1 min
Dong Smasher 2K23
In a land ruled by dongs, only one dongless individual can stand up and say, "No dongs for me, please."
27 views0 comments
- Apr 24
- 1 min
Chodelula Hot Sauce
What if hot sauce could stretch out your insides without wrecking you deep, deep in your intestines?
6 views0 comments
- Apr 11
- 1 min
Pre-Kissed Grits
Y'all ever get tired of folks hollering at you, "Kiss my grits"? Just whip out a box of Albers Pre-Kissed Grits and tell them "No thanks."
3 views0 comments
- Mar 22
- 1 min
Mussolini Cuisini | Frozen Entrée Ration
The only frozen dinner for one that's actually meant to be split between the whole family. In fact, that's our slogan.
11 views0 comments
- Mar 15
- 1 min
Nerds Candy Cummy Clusters
Feel the eruption of flavor as you bite through the crunchy candy exterior and sink your teeth into the spunky, adhesive-like interior.
10 views0 comments
- Feb 28
- 1 min
()hole Milk
The only difference is that you can visibly & physically verify our non-mystery liquid via the revolutionary hole in the side of the bottle.
21 views0 comments
- Feb 23
- 1 min
Glube | For Couples Trying to Conceive
Men get bored after a while and tend to wander off post-nut. That's where Glube cums in.
15 views0 comments
- Jan 28
- 1 min
CREEPER VANS | Off the Ankle Monitor
How does one send out the signal, "I'm interested in abducting you off the street in open daylight"?
With CREEPER VANS, of course!
8 views0 comments
- Jan 26
- 1 min
What to Expect When You're Expecto Patronum-ing
You brought this creature into the world; you raise it.
1 view0 comments
- Jan 25
- 1 min
Shart Through the Heart | Novel, Thriller
Impotent Products | Henry swore up-and-down that farts could sound like wet bubbling, slopping against polyester.
2 views0 comments
- Dec 22, 2022
- 1 min
PENultimate 2.0
PENultimate 2.0 — It's not the ballpoint pen you're looking for, but it's the one you happen to find first or, rather, find second-to-last.
10 views0 comments
- Nov 1, 2022
- 1 min
Mattrescide | Queen Bed Disposal/Deposal
It's time to step away from the guillotine and give Mattrescide a call.
5 views0 comments
- Oct 27, 2022
- 1 min
Inchiladas
Perhaps it's time to talk to your proctologist about INCHILADAS. The food designed to be eaten in two bites or less.
6 views0 comments
- Oct 19, 2022
- 1 min
Marmas | Boo Raspberry
Look for Boo Raspberry Marmas in the section of the weed store where the budtender has been screaming and crying blood since the start of th
24 views0 comments
- Oct 12, 2022
- 1 min
Blur Raspberry Marmas
What does Blur Raspberry taste like, you ask?
14 views0 comments
- Jun 8, 2022
- 2 min
The Tuning Forklift
Impotent Products So you're seventeen minutes into what's supposed to be Band Aid 38 (the supergroup of famous musicians making an album...
20 views0 comments
- Jun 3, 2022
- 1 min
Fry-Burst | Chicken Cordon Bleu Raspberry
Impotent Products You know when things get put inside other things, and then you roll that up and put it in another thing? And then you...
23 views0 comments
- Sep 13, 2021
- 2 min
Yogurt Lidz
Simply throw the empty, yogurt-less plastic cup somewhere in nature or in any garbage can that's right next to a recycle bin.
16 views0 comments
- Aug 29, 2021
- 1 min
High-Wurst
High-Wurst are gummy dummy thicc frankfurters that will fill your entire mouth with smokey, Capri Sun-like flavor.
14 views0 comments
- Aug 9, 2021
- 1 min
Tat Skins
Each bag of Tat Skins contains your daily recommended intake of lower back butterfly tattoos.
13 views0 comments
- May 13, 2021
- 1 min
THCRABBLE: Mike Tython Edithion
Enjoy spelling your favorite words without the difficult-to-pronounce no-no letter, replacing it with good ol' "TH"; mother nature's "S".
12 views0 comments
- Apr 25, 2021
- 1 min
Hive-Burst | Bee-Infused Candy
I wasn't aware that BEES FIXED THE FLINT, MICHIGAN WATER CRISIS. Oh, wait, they didn't! Piss off, Jerry.
12 views0 comments
- Apr 25, 2021
- 1 min
Kakauabunga
Kick the office paper shredder and shuck open a box of Kakauabunga!
27 views0 comments
- Apr 18, 2021
- 1 min
S Cargo | French Bistro Mollusc Delivery Service
Impotent Products Impotent Products is expanding into the food delivery market! Through online polling, questionnaires, and blurting out...
16 views0 comments
- Feb 19, 2021
- 1 min
The Adventures of Marma Man and Brownicle Boy
Buy your own "Action Figures" at a weed shop near you and recreate all of Marma Man and Brownicle Boy's high-larious adventures.
13 views0 comments
- Feb 19, 2021
- 1 min
fitbitch | Fitness Devolved
Seamless smart-phone pairing lets you be disappointed by your dog anywhere. The option to relay voice messages of your shame.
11 views0 comments
- Feb 7, 2021
- 1 min
Mari's Confinemints
The grape flavor is TO DIE FOR. Billy Fishskin was transformed into a gelatinous, bloody pool AND STILL WENT BACK FOR SECONDS.
9 views0 comments
- Feb 6, 2021
- 1 min
Kàkaw | Crow Shrieks in a Box
Kàkaw is sold in the section of the weed store where a generous-but-misguided budtender is rolling joints with lotto tickets.
9 views0 comments
- Feb 5, 2021
- 1 min
Eye Brownies
They called you crazy for wanting to stick baked goods onto your face.
19 views0 comments
- Jan 10, 2021
- 1 min
Marmanaras
As basil hits your tongue, your Sicilian crone-of-a-mother-in-law nods her head in approval of you—for once. Savor it, mi amore.
23 views0 comments
- Dec 27, 2020
- 1 min
Trainimorphs
It's up to one man who can shape-shift into a train to speed around the world and collect the world's last humans with fair derrieres.
16 views0 comments
- Dec 22, 2020
- 1 min
Chee-Z Vape
Just take a nice, deep breath and let your lungs fill with thick clouds of aged cheddar. Welcome to the future—it smells like foot.
25 views0 comments
- Nov 21, 2020
- 1 min
Mari's Minced Mints
At Impotent Products, we don't deal in petty things like overly complicated packaging, egregious price-hiking, or costly quality assurance.
16 views0 comments
- Nov 14, 2020
- 1 min
Chewie's
Impotent Products Have you ever stared at your cat cleaning itself and thought, "Why should this being be the only one who gets to enjoy...
7 views0 comments
- Sep 27, 2020
- 1 min
HARMAS
Razorblades are 100% American steel. Support your country, and add a little bit (a lot) of excitement (pain) to your diet (mouth).
53 views0 comments
- Sep 23, 2020
- 1 min
KoKo Gemz
Share them with: Friends, Neighbors, Old Relatives With Preexisting Health Conditions
15 views0 comments
- Sep 7, 2020
- 1 min
Coca-Ricola
The menthol and carbonation with send you straight to the wintry planet Hoth, lost in a blizzard with no Tauntaun innards to keep you warm.
38 views0 comments
- Sep 5, 2020
- 1 min
Marmambo #5
Introducing a THC gummy for those who have it all. Marmambo #5 tastes like absolutely nothing—the one thing you don't have.
1 view0 comments
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