Impotent Products
Impotent Products has long been a manufacturer of foods made from the delicious natural resource that is human skin. I place the blame solely on my family. Growing up, there would always be an abundance of human skin at the dinner table. Often times when my father would ask someone to pass the skin, he would mistakenly begin gnawing on the arm that's physically holding the plate of skin flaps being passed to him. Luckily I was never seated near my father at the dinner table, so it was no skin off my back.
Our first skin food here at Impotent Products was using the Smucker's brand to create Eucharistables, grape jelly-filled sandwiches made with human skin (crust removed) and emblazoned with the image of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ.
Our second dip into the human skin market was with Tat Skins: Skin Salt and Vinegar snack chips. That product really found a foothold in the market when the economy decided it was nostalgic for basic bitch tattoos. We capitalized on that by increasing the amount of "Live Laugh Love" tat skins in each bag by 30%. Sales soared.
Now here we are again, unveiling our third skin product. If it's another strike (bowling terminology), then we'll get a figurative turkey. If it's a strike (baseball terminology), then it'll be our first, and we'll have two more strikes until we've struck out. And if we strike out, then I am going to strike (workplace violence terminology) all of my employees—in the face—with my hands.
Our skin chips are hand peeled and fried to dry, flaky perfection. Naturally salty, these crispy boys are sure to satisfy any cannibalistic cravings. Look out for upcoming flavors like:
Skin Salt and Vinegar (a classic)
Jalapeño Eczema
Honey Barbecuticle
Topical Punch
Acne Cream & Onion
Flay's Skin Chips are sold wherever the skin consumption market is an arms race to the top.
