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Nunyuns | Onion Flavored Halos

Updated: Mar 11

Impotent Products

You're attending your nephew's Confirmation within the Catholic church. Mass ends, and the congregation flocks to the kitchen where countless snacks are strewn about. You reach for one; it's a powdered doughnut... and its hole is so tight. Your index finger accidentally probes the dusty cavity. It's at this moment that you look up; Jesus—the man himself—is watching you, looking down on you from his cross.

With a bright red face your eyes dart away from Him while your hand grabs for a different confection. Oh, is that a pizza roll? can't be... It's a pizza bagel! Ohh goodness gracious that bagel hole is so tight. And gooey with stretchy, melty cheese!

The pizza abomination falls from your hands and hits the floor. You cut someone in line and find yourself in front of a series of bowls filled with chips. God's gaze is upon you. Your hand is beckoned forward and plunges deep into a plastic Tupperware. After a moment, you retract the appendage but, to your horror, see that each of your five fingers is topped by a yellow Bugle corn chip. They're clamped onto your tips so tight!

'Why can't I find a snack that doesn't have a tight hole!?' you shout. Your fellow church-goers look at you in horror and disgust. A mother shields her children's eyes, but she only has so many limbs to hide sin! You look her one sin-exposed child in the eye. But what you see looking back is not fear nor revulsion. Instead, the weirdly calm child holds out a yellow chip bag to you. You paw around inside the bag and pull out a Nunyun: the onion-flavored halo corn snack.

Relief instantly washes over you, as Nunyun holes are large and famously not tight. Sticking one's finger in a Nunyun gives no satisfaction—zero sexual gratification. You look back up at the J Man. He winks at you and smiles. You begin to smile back ... until you notice the tight holes in His hands. Hnnng!

Purchase Nunyuns wherever 'abstinence' is a P90x abdominal workout class taught by jacked nuns.

Nunyuns are a perfect snack to put in your priest's TaberSnackle

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