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    Meconi's to Alter Name to McConi's, Serve Irish Take on Subs
    • Aug 15, 2021

    Meconi's to Alter Name to McConi's, Serve Irish Take on Subs

    The Impotent Satyr Thurston County's darling Italian sub sandwich shop announced, via a message burned onto thirty-seven hoagie roll...
    186 views0 comments
    A Comprehensive List of Animals (I Regularly Punch in the Face)
    • Feb 13, 2021

    A Comprehensive List of Animals (I Regularly Punch in the Face)

    The Impotent Satyr
    105 views0 comments
    Exposing Olympia's Beyblade Underworld
    • Feb 9, 2021

    Exposing Olympia's Beyblade Underworld

    The Impotent Satyr
    445 views0 comments
    The Man Who Held In All of His Farts Until He was Elected Senator
    • Feb 2, 2021

    The Man Who Held In All of His Farts Until He was Elected Senator

    The Impotent Satyr
    266 views0 comments
    "Hell has a new resident," Says Local Candidate & Paste-Eater C Davis—He's Not Entirely Wrong
    • Sep 27, 2020

    "Hell has a new resident," Says Local Candidate & Paste-Eater C Davis—He's Not Entirely Wrong

    Rip and tear, until women's rights are upheld.
    49 views0 comments
    Unhinged Rainy Day Records Employee Accepts Yet Another 'Better Than Ezra: Deluxe' Trade-In
    • Jul 28, 2020

    Unhinged Rainy Day Records Employee Accepts Yet Another 'Better Than Ezra: Deluxe' Trade-In

    "Alright," the Lead Manager said in a defeated tone. "Slap a '98 cents' sticker on that thing and add it to the pile."
    259 views0 comments
    City Manager Concludes There Not Enough Bumps on 1-5 On-Ramp at Exit 107
    • Jul 15, 2020

    City Manager Concludes There Not Enough Bumps on 1-5 On-Ramp at Exit 107

    Right now the bumps in the road give drivers a jarring, earthquake-like sensation that has their morning coffee thrashing about and spilling
    497 views0 comments
    Grad Celebrates Digital Commencement, Chooses 'Chocolatey Chip' Over Original Eggos
    • Jun 14, 2020

    Grad Celebrates Digital Commencement, Chooses 'Chocolatey Chip' Over Original Eggos

    Yo, Aunt Jemima, we'll convene when these bad boys are luke warm and supine on my plate.
    41 views0 comments
    Regressives Initiate All-Inclusive Orgy in Hopes of Reverting County to Phase 1
    • May 31, 2020

    Regressives Initiate All-Inclusive Orgy in Hopes of Reverting County to Phase 1

    "We're gonna fuck and fuck some more until we get our social distancing restrictions back again—this time enforced by police."
    316 views0 comments
    In Midst of Apocalypse, Man Receives Text That 420 West, Carpenter Still Open for Business
    • Mar 22, 2020

    In Midst of Apocalypse, Man Receives Text That 420 West, Carpenter Still Open for Business

    "I mean, the whole city is on fire; why shouldn't my lungs be?" West Olympian Aarnold Lemonberry reasoned aloud with himself.
    543 views0 comments
    I Hate Fake People But This Bitch Didn't Smile When Taking My Order
    • Mar 20, 2020

    I Hate Fake People But This Bitch Didn't Smile When Taking My Order

    If you can't fake a smile when my presence is presented, know that I take it as an act of aggression. First Fallujah, then Aleppo, now Oly.
    624 views0 comments
    Mike Pence Awkwardly Stands Behind COVID-19-Infected Person Until Virus Leaves Host
    • Mar 7, 2020

    Mike Pence Awkwardly Stands Behind COVID-19-Infected Person Until Virus Leaves Host

    "Get your ass out here, you blasphemous homosexu—uh, sorry, force of habit."
    322 views0 comments
    Rookie Mistake: This Idiot Just Entered New Moon Cafe w/o Signing in Outside
    • Mar 1, 2020

    Rookie Mistake: This Idiot Just Entered New Moon Cafe w/o Signing in Outside

    We are expected to write down our Olympia names (River, Forest, Moon Unit, Ranger, Sunshine) on the notepad adjacent to New Moon's entrance.
    555 views0 comments
    Curbing Worker Idling: Aramark Installs Large Hanging Drinking Water Tubes at Evergreen Locations
    • Feb 23, 2020

    Curbing Worker Idling: Aramark Installs Large Hanging Drinking Water Tubes at Evergreen Locations

    "I now have all this extra time to get some real work done," Ryin told us as he exited the building for his third twenty-minute break.
    712 views0 comments
    Horrified Jay's Shopper Realizes Basket Exclusively Phallic Veggies, Adds Nuts to Avoid Suspicion
    • Feb 14, 2020

    Horrified Jay's Shopper Realizes Basket Exclusively Phallic Veggies, Adds Nuts to Avoid Suspicion

    "At first he was only loading up on thick and long vegetables: a gargantuan carrot, a monstrous cucumber, truly a leviathan of a zucchini."
    199 views0 comments
    YES for YES
    • Feb 8, 2020

    YES for YES

    I received this in the mail and was feeling nostalgic about voting season.
    240 views0 comments
    Intoxicated Woman Bound for QB Mistakenly Enters Spidermonkey, Still Gets Burrito
    • Jan 27, 2020

    Intoxicated Woman Bound for QB Mistakenly Enters Spidermonkey, Still Gets Burrito

    "I saw her pointing somewhat toward her mouth area and yelling, 'Put it here, dummy.'"
    180 views0 comments
    Due to Circumstances Beyond Control, City No Longer Accepting Curbside 4-Chord Musicians
    • Dec 30, 2019

    Due to Circumstances Beyond Control, City No Longer Accepting Curbside 4-Chord Musicians

    The Impotent Satyr "Due to oversupply and limited markets, we have seen a dramatic increase in costs associated with buying your child or...
    120 views0 comments
    Redditor Moving to Olympia Receives Unanimously Agreed Upon, Unbiased Answers From r/Olympia
    • Dec 19, 2019

    Redditor Moving to Olympia Receives Unanimously Agreed Upon, Unbiased Answers From r/Olympia

    "Know that I speak for not only this subreddit but for all of Olympia when I say that houseless people are not a problem."
    770 views0 comments
    Olympia TRL Closed Until Feb 3, Librarians Engage in Raucous Month-Long Bender
    • Dec 4, 2019

    Olympia TRL Closed Until Feb 3, Librarians Engage in Raucous Month-Long Bender

    One librarian used page 489 from the 1994 edition of Plants of the Pacific Northwest Coast to roll a sizeable but tight blunt.
    323 views0 comments
    Evergreen's Flaming Eggplant Cafe to Reopen After Discovering Sanitizer
    • Nov 11, 2019

    Evergreen's Flaming Eggplant Cafe to Reopen After Discovering Sanitizer

    For the next hour, Ken wowed those in attendance with absurd science-fiction tales of refrigeration units kept at a temp below 41 degrees.
    418 views0 comments
    One Last Political Ad (Before We Watch This Kid Get Chucked in the Lake)
    • Nov 6, 2019

    One Last Political Ad (Before We Watch This Kid Get Chucked in the Lake)

    Vote to re-elect Cheryl Selby or she'll chuck this kid in Capitol Lake
    125 views0 comments
    Nathaniel Jones for Mayor--Endorsed by Nathaniel Jones
    • Nov 4, 2019

    Nathaniel Jones for Mayor--Endorsed by Nathaniel Jones

    Nathaniel Jones didn't write those quotes about himself. He is very popular. And, like Kim Jong-il, he golfed a perfect game then retired.
    279 views0 comments
    Cheryl's Ommitments
    • Oct 31, 2019

    Cheryl's Ommitments

    "Cheryl is every mayor in Thurston county." -Senator Sam Hunt
    142 views0 comments
    Boots for City Council Position 2
    • Oct 29, 2019

    Boots for City Council Position 2

    The council must pull themselves up by their boot straps instead of relying on their feeble velcro (wasted tax-payer dollars) to save them.
    138 views0 comments
    Helen Wheatley for Boat Decommissioner
    • Oct 25, 2019

    Helen Wheatley for Boat Decommissioner

    "I would be honored to serve with Helen Wheatley in the impending boat genocide. Together we can return the Port to the people." -E. J. Zita
    152 views0 comments
    Olympia Furniture Co. Sign Spinner Listening to Job-Mandated Upholstery ASMR
    • Oct 21, 2019

    Olympia Furniture Co. Sign Spinner Listening to Job-Mandated Upholstery ASMR

    "I walked into Mr. Nelson's office and found him rubbing his chin on a Coaster memory foam mattress!"
    86 views0 comments
    TESC Facilities Workers Given LEGO Technic Sets to Repair Deteriorated Maintenance Systems
    • Oct 14, 2019

    TESC Facilities Workers Given LEGO Technic Sets to Repair Deteriorated Maintenance Systems

    "I don't know how I'm supposed to use this to clean up asbestos; I don't know how I'm supposed to use this to clean up anything."
    209 views0 comments
    "You Don't Even Piss Without Asking First" OHS Climate Action Club Instructs City Council
    • Oct 9, 2019

    "You Don't Even Piss Without Asking First" OHS Climate Action Club Instructs City Council

    Shen breathed heavily and mightily into the flimsy audio receptacle. "I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."
    111 views0 comments
    Lady Burns Tongue Sampling Coffee in B&B Tasting Room, Acts Like it Fine When it Not at All
    • Sep 26, 2019

    Lady Burns Tongue Sampling Coffee in B&B Tasting Room, Acts Like it Fine When it Not at All

    "You should also be getting hints of Tian Shan mountain range gravel," the barista sold, touching her thumbs to fingers, pedaling her hands.
    171 views0 comments
    If Emmet O'Connell Has to Remind One More Guest That This the OLYMPIA Standard He'll Say Cuss Word
    • Sep 23, 2019

    If Emmet O'Connell Has to Remind One More Guest That This the OLYMPIA Standard He'll Say Cuss Word

    "I feel the bulging sensation of an expletive coming down the pipeline!"
    392 views0 comments
    After 10 Years in Business Burial Grounds Considering Using Coffee Beans
    • Sep 20, 2019

    After 10 Years in Business Burial Grounds Considering Using Coffee Beans

    When I found that unidentifiable liquid in the back of the refrigerator and worked it into the special of the day called The Cold Case Vial
    340 views0 comments
    After Wane in Funding, Olympia Film Society Just Winging it w/ Shadow Puppets
    • Sep 18, 2019

    After Wane in Funding, Olympia Film Society Just Winging it w/ Shadow Puppets

    "I can make a rock," piped up Tom Rieger, holding a fist in the air.
    177 views0 comments
    Spooner Berry Farms Now Offering Strawberry Puree I.V. Directly into Veins
    • Sep 16, 2019

    Spooner Berry Farms Now Offering Strawberry Puree I.V. Directly into Veins

    We have seven gurneys surrounding the wooden hut and staff that have taken and passed a one-hour online course certifying them in I.V. use.
    350 views0 comments
    Oly PD Sweep 4th Ave Bridge Camp, Uncover Non-Regulation Yu-gi-oh Dueling Ring
    • Sep 14, 2019

    Oly PD Sweep 4th Ave Bridge Camp, Uncover Non-Regulation Yu-gi-oh Dueling Ring

    "It's worse than we thought," said Chief of Police Ronnie Roberts. "They're playing unsupervised non-regulation Yu-gi-oh card tournaments."
    505 views0 comments
    Wayside Cafe Makes Up for Cruelty-Free Fare w/ Auto-Slapper Upon Exit
    • Sep 11, 2019

    Wayside Cafe Makes Up for Cruelty-Free Fare w/ Auto-Slapper Upon Exit

    "We installed the auto-slapper to bring the excessive haughtiness down to acceptable levels."
    641 views0 comments
    Cougar Spotted in Olympia Near Capital Mall
    • Sep 6, 2019

    Cougar Spotted in Olympia Near Capital Mall

    The Impotent Satyr ATTENTION residents of West Olympia, a cougar has been spotted near Capital Mall, and she is giving no quarter. Local...
    111 views0 comments
    Bread Peddler Night Baker Sends Cryptic Messages to Day Shift
    • Aug 29, 2019

    Bread Peddler Night Baker Sends Cryptic Messages to Day Shift

    Aldo Boyd arrived to work on a cool August morning with a skip in his step and began turning on the garlic butter finger-smudged lights to
    64 views0 comments
    Man Once Again Uses All Free Olympian Articles On Restaurant Inspections
    • Aug 28, 2019

    Man Once Again Uses All Free Olympian Articles On Restaurant Inspections

    The Impotent Satyr Olympia area man Jordan Shuleice let fall a single tear after loading up the webpage for the latest Thurston County...
    535 views0 comments
    Downtown Olympian Says Something Profound, Goes Unheard Amid ALL THE CONSTRUCTION
    • Aug 28, 2019

    Downtown Olympian Says Something Profound, Goes Unheard Amid ALL THE CONSTRUCTION

    The Impotent Satyr On Tuesday, August 27th at approximately 3:47 PM, downtown Olympia resident Ezra Staley spoke the most profound string...
    240 views0 comments
    Sorry 90s Kids, Park Side Cafe Denies Rooftop Dining to Moon Shoes Wearers
    • Aug 23, 2019

    Sorry 90s Kids, Park Side Cafe Denies Rooftop Dining to Moon Shoes Wearers

    The Impotent Satyr In a move that has local Olympians up in ecologically-friendly arms, The Park Side Cafe is targeting the oft neglected...
    297 views0 comments
    Oly Mayor Selby Adjourns Council Meeting to Play 17 Straight Hours of Smash Bros.
    • Dec 9, 2018

    Oly Mayor Selby Adjourns Council Meeting to Play 17 Straight Hours of Smash Bros.

    The Impotent Satyr What began as a standard meeting on Thurston County's 911 communications radio system ended earlier than expected when...
    4 views0 comments
    WA Rep. Bruce Chandler Won't Stop Touching the Touchless Sanitizer Dispenser
    • May 28, 2018

    WA Rep. Bruce Chandler Won't Stop Touching the Touchless Sanitizer Dispenser

    The Impotent Satyr The pleading wails of Republican minority floor leader Rep. Drew Stokesbary could be heard throughout the entire...
    5 views0 comments

    Real news, I swear