Vics Now Offering Pizza By-the-Handful
Customers ordering by-the-handful may not have their pizza reheated, for reasons Vics' lawyers claim are 'paramount in avoiding a law suit.'
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- Aug 15, 2021
Meconi's to Alter Name to McConi's, Serve Irish Take on Subs
The Impotent Satyr Thurston County's darling Italian sub sandwich shop announced, via a message burned onto thirty-seven hoagie roll...
206 views0 comments
- Feb 13, 2021
A Comprehensive List of Animals (I Regularly Punch in the Face)
The Impotent Satyr
118 views0 comments
- Feb 2, 2021
The Man Who Held In All of His Farts Until He was Elected Senator
The Impotent Satyr
274 views0 comments
- Sep 27, 2020
"Hell has a new resident," Says Local Candidate & Paste-Eater C Davis—He's Not Entirely Wrong
Rip and tear, until women's rights are upheld.
54 views0 comments
- Jul 28, 2020
Unhinged Rainy Day Records Employee Accepts Yet Another 'Better Than Ezra: Deluxe' Trade-In
"Alright," the Lead Manager said in a defeated tone. "Slap a '98 cents' sticker on that thing and add it to the pile."
282 views0 comments
- Jul 15, 2020
City Manager Concludes There Not Enough Bumps on 1-5 On-Ramp at Exit 107
Right now the bumps in the road give drivers a jarring, earthquake-like sensation that has their morning coffee thrashing about and spilling
506 views0 comments
- Jun 14, 2020
Grad Celebrates Digital Commencement, Chooses 'Chocolatey Chip' Over Original Eggos
Yo, Aunt Jemima, we'll convene when these bad boys are luke warm and supine on my plate.
43 views0 comments
- May 31, 2020
Regressives Initiate All-Inclusive Orgy in Hopes of Reverting County to Phase 1
"We're gonna fuck and fuck some more until we get our social distancing restrictions back again—this time enforced by police."
326 views0 comments
- Mar 22, 2020
In Midst of Apocalypse, Man Receives Text That 420 West, Carpenter Still Open for Business
"I mean, the whole city is on fire; why shouldn't my lungs be?" West Olympian Aarnold Lemonberry reasoned aloud with himself.
551 views0 comments
- Mar 20, 2020
I Hate Fake People But This Bitch Didn't Smile When Taking My Order
If you can't fake a smile when my presence is presented, know that I take it as an act of aggression. First Fallujah, then Aleppo, now Oly.
633 views0 comments
- Mar 7, 2020
Mike Pence Awkwardly Stands Behind COVID-19-Infected Person Until Virus Leaves Host
"Get your ass out here, you blasphemous homosexu—uh, sorry, force of habit."
323 views0 comments
- Mar 1, 2020
Rookie Mistake: This Idiot Just Entered New Moon Cafe w/o Signing in Outside
We are expected to write down our Olympia names (River, Forest, Moon Unit, Ranger, Sunshine) on the notepad adjacent to New Moon's entrance.
598 views0 comments
- Feb 23, 2020
Curbing Worker Idling: Aramark Installs Large Hanging Drinking Water Tubes at Evergreen Locations
"I now have all this extra time to get some real work done," Ryin told us as he exited the building for his third twenty-minute break.
713 views0 comments
- Feb 14, 2020
Horrified Jay's Shopper Realizes Basket Exclusively Phallic Veggies, Adds Nuts to Avoid Suspicion
"At first he was only loading up on thick and long vegetables: a gargantuan carrot, a monstrous cucumber, truly a leviathan of a zucchini."
230 views0 comments
- Feb 8, 2020
YES for YES
I received this in the mail and was feeling nostalgic about voting season.
243 views0 comments
- Jan 27, 2020
Intoxicated Woman Bound for QB Mistakenly Enters Spidermonkey, Still Gets Burrito
"I saw her pointing somewhat toward her mouth area and yelling, 'Put it here, dummy.'"
180 views0 comments
- Dec 30, 2019
Due to Circumstances Beyond Control, City No Longer Accepting Curbside 4-Chord Musicians
The Impotent Satyr "Due to oversupply and limited markets, we have seen a dramatic increase in costs associated with buying your child or...
121 views0 comments
- Dec 19, 2019
Redditor Moving to Olympia Receives Unanimously Agreed Upon, Unbiased Answers From r/Olympia
"Know that I speak for not only this subreddit but for all of Olympia when I say that houseless people are not a problem."
830 views0 comments
- Dec 4, 2019
Olympia TRL Closed Until Feb 3, Librarians Engage in Raucous Month-Long Bender
One librarian used page 489 from the 1994 edition of Plants of the Pacific Northwest Coast to roll a sizeable but tight blunt.
325 views0 comments
- Nov 11, 2019
Evergreen's Flaming Eggplant Cafe to Reopen After Discovering Sanitizer
For the next hour, Ken wowed those in attendance with absurd science-fiction tales of refrigeration units kept at a temp below 41 degrees.
431 views0 comments
- Nov 6, 2019
One Last Political Ad (Before We Watch This Kid Get Chucked in the Lake)
Vote to re-elect Cheryl Selby or she'll chuck this kid in Capitol Lake
126 views0 comments
- Nov 4, 2019
Nathaniel Jones for Mayor--Endorsed by Nathaniel Jones
Nathaniel Jones didn't write those quotes about himself. He is very popular. And, like Kim Jong-il, he golfed a perfect game then retired.
279 views0 comments
- Oct 31, 2019
Cheryl's Ommitments
"Cheryl is every mayor in Thurston county." -Senator Sam Hunt
143 views0 comments
- Oct 29, 2019
Boots for City Council Position 2
The council must pull themselves up by their boot straps instead of relying on their feeble velcro (wasted tax-payer dollars) to save them.
139 views0 comments
- Oct 25, 2019
Helen Wheatley for Boat Decommissioner
"I would be honored to serve with Helen Wheatley in the impending boat genocide. Together we can return the Port to the people." -E. J. Zita
156 views0 comments
- Oct 21, 2019
Olympia Furniture Co. Sign Spinner Listening to Job-Mandated Upholstery ASMR
"I walked into Mr. Nelson's office and found him rubbing his chin on a Coaster memory foam mattress!"
93 views0 comments
- Oct 14, 2019
TESC Facilities Workers Given LEGO Technic Sets to Repair Deteriorated Maintenance Systems
"I don't know how I'm supposed to use this to clean up asbestos; I don't know how I'm supposed to use this to clean up anything."
213 views0 comments
- Oct 9, 2019
"You Don't Even Piss Without Asking First" OHS Climate Action Club Instructs City Council
Shen breathed heavily and mightily into the flimsy audio receptacle. "I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."
124 views0 comments
- Sep 26, 2019
Lady Burns Tongue Sampling Coffee in B&B Tasting Room, Acts Like it Fine When it Not at All
"You should also be getting hints of Tian Shan mountain range gravel," the barista sold, touching her thumbs to fingers, pedaling her hands.
182 views0 comments
- Sep 23, 2019
If Emmet O'Connell Has to Remind One More Guest That This the OLYMPIA Standard He'll Say Cuss Word
"I feel the bulging sensation of an expletive coming down the pipeline!"
404 views0 comments
- Sep 20, 2019
After 10 Years in Business Burial Grounds Considering Using Coffee Beans
When I found that unidentifiable liquid in the back of the refrigerator and worked it into the special of the day called The Cold Case Vial
361 views0 comments
- Sep 18, 2019
After Wane in Funding, Olympia Film Society Just Winging it w/ Shadow Puppets
"I can make a rock," piped up Tom Rieger, holding a fist in the air.
184 views0 comments
- Sep 16, 2019
Spooner Berry Farms Now Offering Strawberry Puree I.V. Directly into Veins
We have seven gurneys surrounding the wooden hut and staff that have taken and passed a one-hour online course certifying them in I.V. use.
371 views0 comments
- Sep 14, 2019
Oly PD Sweep 4th Ave Bridge Camp, Uncover Non-Regulation Yu-gi-oh Dueling Ring
"It's worse than we thought," said Chief of Police Ronnie Roberts. "They're playing unsupervised non-regulation Yu-gi-oh card tournaments."
509 views0 comments
- Sep 11, 2019
Wayside Cafe Makes Up for Cruelty-Free Fare w/ Auto-Slapper Upon Exit
"We installed the auto-slapper to bring the excessive haughtiness down to acceptable levels."
666 views0 comments
- Sep 6, 2019
Cougar Spotted in Olympia Near Capital Mall
The Impotent Satyr ATTENTION residents of West Olympia, a cougar has been spotted near Capital Mall, and she is giving no quarter. Local...
112 views0 comments
- Aug 29, 2019
Bread Peddler Night Baker Sends Cryptic Messages to Day Shift
Aldo Boyd arrived to work on a cool August morning with a skip in his step and began turning on the garlic butter finger-smudged lights to
64 views0 comments
- Aug 28, 2019
Man Once Again Uses All Free Olympian Articles On Restaurant Inspections
The Impotent Satyr Olympia area man Jordan Shuleice let fall a single tear after loading up the webpage for the latest Thurston County...
535 views0 comments
- Aug 28, 2019
Downtown Olympian Says Something Profound, Goes Unheard Amid ALL THE CONSTRUCTION
The Impotent Satyr On Tuesday, August 27th at approximately 3:47 PM, downtown Olympia resident Ezra Staley spoke the most profound string...
240 views0 comments
- Aug 23, 2019
Sorry 90s Kids, Park Side Cafe Denies Rooftop Dining to Moon Shoes Wearers
The Impotent Satyr In a move that has local Olympians up in ecologically-friendly arms, The Park Side Cafe is targeting the oft neglected...
314 views0 comments
- Dec 9, 2018
Oly Mayor Selby Adjourns Council Meeting to Play 17 Straight Hours of Smash Bros.
The Impotent Satyr What began as a standard meeting on Thurston County's 911 communications radio system ended earlier than expected when...
4 views0 comments
- May 28, 2018
WA Rep. Bruce Chandler Won't Stop Touching the Touchless Sanitizer Dispenser
The Impotent Satyr The pleading wails of Republican minority floor leader Rep. Drew Stokesbary could be heard throughout the entire...
6 views0 comments
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