The Impotent Satyr
ATTENTION residents of West Olympia, a cougar has been spotted near Capital Mall, and she is giving no quarter. Local witness Geoduck Abernathy was enjoying a meal with his family at Thai Garden when he saw the mammal.
"I'd ordered the Evil Jungle Noodles--I got 3 spicy stars out of 5--and it comes out hotter than I look after spending an hour in Moda Capelli. So, the heat is causing me to cry in front of my kids--they've lost all respect for me by that point and now don't even call me "Dad" anymore; hell, they don't even call me by my name, they refer to me as Gary--and I see this cougar strutting out of Ulta with a crazed look in her eyes and a fashionable crimp in her step. She makes her way across the parking lot, showing all the pre-cougars in Starbucks how it's done. It was somewhere around this point that my own family walked out and left me in that restaurant; my wife placed her wedding ring on the table, but I didn't care--I was on the hunt."
The Impotent Satyr's investigative journalists followed the path Gary described, and it led us to the parking lot just outside of the burger joint Red Robin. A waitress working that day named Marquis-Marque Funquibunsch told us her recollection of the events that transpired.
"That lady walked a damn long distance in stilettos. It was super impressive. But then she unlocks her car, I guess, pops the hood, props it open, and then just bends over the engine. At that point, half the cooks in the kitchen stop making orders, and their eyes are glued to the windows. The only thing that hinders their drooling is the occasional vape pen that somehow finds its way to their mouths what with the lack of brain cells focused on hand/eye coordination let alone breathing."
We asked several of these cooks for their side, but each one gave us similar, unintelligible responses in the likes of "Mmmm, preeeetty laaaadyyyy", "Bazinga!", "Me likey", and "A conquered people has no obligation toward the conqueror save that of obeying for just as long as no alternative presents itself." Just complete nonsense.
If you see this cougar, it is advised that you shield your eyes unless you too should fall under the spell that has led to West Olympians' hearts physically throbbing out of their chest, eyes popping outward two feet or more from their sockets, and jaws unhinging and dropping to the ground.