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Vics Now Offering Pizza By-the-Handful

The Impotent Satyr

Olympia, WA restaurant Vics Pizzeria, known for their diet-accommodating whole pizzas and by-the-slice options, has made a subtle change in the way customers can now order food:

Pizza by-the-handful.

Toni Bologna has been a cashier/server at Vics Pizzeria (Westside) for the last five years and, frankly, isn't shocked that customers' tastes in service has changed to reflect the times in which we are living.

"Offering pizza by-the-slice was revolutionary when it first debuted in pizzerias across the nation during the 2008 U.S. financial crisis. American citizens couldn't afford an entire pizza AND a 2 liter of soda and, as a consequence, settled on purchasing only 1-to-3 slices of pizza... as well as the 2 liter."

Toni paused as we both thought about that.

"Anyway, today's average American doesn't want to be served their perfect triangles of pie on a plate. The past four generations-or-so of us citizens have been taught to smile while the ultra rich generously defecate into our open palms. Vics recognizes that and has decided to give customers their pizza by-the-handful."

After accepting and handling your money (and without washing their hands), your Vics cashier will reach into the display case, grasp a handful of your selected pizza as carelessly as a claw machine, and plop the ball of pizza into your upturned hands.

Customers ordering by-the-handful may not have their pizza reheated, for reasons Vics' lawyers claim are 'paramount in avoiding a law suit.'

"I'm still holding out for pizza by-the-mouthful," says Brad Fogle, an intimately loyal Vics customer. "I want to be fed like a baby bird."

When asked if that was a fetish of his, Brad blushed and told reporters, "A man never asks; a baby sparrow never tells."

At the time of printing, Toni Bologna was letting a customer drink from her cupped right hand badly containing a few sips of a Hopworks IPA.

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