The Anvilope

Impotent Products

The 300lb anvil that you physically place on your envelopes so they don't blow away or get knocked over or insert some third example here.

My envelopes are always getting knocked over or blown out the open window of my drafty apartment. After buying boxes and boxes of envelopes, I finally switched to Anvilope. Now my envelopes stay put under 300 pounds of immovable metal.

Utilizing a revolutionary new understanding of gravity and the heaviness of things, our scientists developed the Anvilope in the harshest of working conditions, outside of Beijing, of course.

Once The Anvilope is delivered to your front door, simply deadlift the 300lbs object, take it inside your home and gently place it on top of your envelopes scattered about the floor or bedside table or wherever envelopes tend to congregate near you. Congratulations to you--those envelopes aren't going ANYWHERE.

Got bills to pay? Letters to send? You probably need an envelope. Get in the squat position and push up on one side of The Anvilope, tipping it while a roommate or family member trusts you enough to stick their hand underneath and grab an envelope.

Do you live alone? Well, simply follow the earlier instructions until you get to the tipping part. You're going to want to shove The Anvilope up, then quickly squat down and take as many envelopes as your hand can grasp before that 300 pounds of forged steel comes crashing down on your fingies. Easy, right?

If you check out our website, you will find only positive reviews for The Anvilope. It's not like those who happened to get their fingers crushed by The Anvilope can no longer type and therefore can not write a negative review of our product. No way--that scenario can't be true if I choose to believe it's not.

Quit losing your envelopes to carelessness, the wind, and insert third example here before shooting the commercial--buy The Anvilope today!

Sold wherever burly blacksmiths makes tings.