Search

Chest Mix

Dan
5 hours ago
1 min read

Impotent Products

Do you love the salty, savory flavors and crunch of Chex Mix but hate loading your body with carbs? Do you adhere to a paleo or carnivore diet? Here at Impotent Products, we've created the perfect snack for you!

Chest Mix!

A bag of Chest Mix contains all the loose, slippery human organs you can wrap your lips around. With just a little MSG, a dash of black pepper, and our proprietary blend of spices, people meat has never tasted so good! Heart, liver, kidney - all of them squishy, slimy, and haphazardly dropped into an edible snack bag made of 60% skin ready to be gorged upon.

The big intestine! The not as big intestine! Slurp 'em down like spaghetti.

Intestino delizioso!

Are you digging in the bag for the extra crispy fan favorite rye chips? We've got those too! Our dark and crispy liver spots will satisfy even the pickiest of cannibal critics.

Needing nuts? Well, sorry, we don't have those. Nuts are not located in the chest. Buuuuut, Chest Mix has heart. We guarantee at least .75 hearts per bag for you to feast upon. That's a lot of vitamin A! And cholesterol!

So open up a wet bag of Chest Mix today!

Chest Mix is sold exclusively in the waiting rooms of your local coroner's office.

Comments

VCR Czar Tape004 - Banshee Chapter: Hunter S. and Me Gettin' Hunted in The Dark

"Aren’t the dimensions within the human mind not an expanse equal to the multiverse?"

Nov 1, 20253 min read

Embarrassed Coworker Caught on Fly Trap Chooses Death Over Asking for Help

"Believe it or not, while hanging from this adhesive tape covered in dead flies, I've found God. And She has a proboscis."

Feb 4, 20241 min read

A Quarantined Stare: My Apartment Building

it's a pretty standard apartment building stairwell, kind of like this Charles Shaw Red Blend I'm drinking straight from the bottle.

Apr 12, 20203 min read

Pliable Teaser: Coronavirus Edition

This digital interactive teaser puts players behind the eyes of a shopper endlessly perusing an aisle that's void of any toilet paper.

Mar 20, 20202 min read

The Last Air Blender

It's the revolutionary kitchen gadget that Fire Lord Sozin doesn't want you to see!

Feb 25, 20201 min read

The Law Office of Ace Bandit & Bandit

If you or a loved one has been on the receiving end of an unwelcomed boop, you may be entitled to a large tennis ball settlement.

Jan 27, 20201 min read

Report: Cutting Board Still Smells Like Garlic

"But surely the odor won't latch onto this apple that I'm about to cut up, right?"

Jan 10, 20201 min read

Hydra Flask

Put on those water wings, because it's time to WET YOUR WHISTLE with the new Hydra Flask!

Jan 1, 20201 min read

Phil Collins Doesn't Remember Acting in Waterworld, and I'm Not Surprised

Genesis front man Phil Collins doesn't remember acting in the 1995 movie Waterworld, and I think that's the least of his problems.

Dec 4, 20192 min read

Two Celebrities Who Did NOT Age Well

Where has the time gone? Where has my ample supply of cheese gone?

Apr 3, 20241 min read

Lift With Your Legs

Safety first!

Mar 24, 20241 min read

Life is a B

Sparky's life didn't quite go as planned. But he is still a pretty good boy.

Mar 3, 20241 min read

Hunger Overruled

"The court sentences you to 200 hours of assembling pigs in a blanket."

Nov 7, 20221 min read

Cunnilanguish | Medical Diagnosis

Treatment includes but is not limited to: Sighing loudly or making fart sounds with your mouth during foreplay

Mar 5, 20241 min read

Diagnosis: 'Running With Caesars'

Impotent M.D. Are you or a loved one suffering from the hurtful connotations associated with eating an exorbitant amount of salad? It's...

Aug 12, 20192 min read

Diagnosis: Kocher

"Gypsys, Tramps, and Thieves? I've been called worse--today."

Jul 30, 20191 min read

Diagnosis: Hellacopter

"My boy Zack is hella strong; I once saw him bench press a bench press that someone was actively using."

Jul 28, 20191 min read

The Evergreen State College | SEM II Building

This just happens to be my favorite place on campus to play guitar and make unsettling screeching noises.

Oct 25, 20243 min read

Red Lion Inn/Governor's Hotel

Was it a metaphor for our relationship? I don't know; I am way too drunk to psychoanalyze what she meant by "emotionally distant."

Mar 1, 20213 min read

A Quarantined Stare: My Apartment Building

it's a pretty standard apartment building stairwell, kind of like this Charles Shaw Red Blend I'm drinking straight from the bottle.

Apr 12, 20203 min read

A Quick Stare: Tumwater Falls

I was so happy to find some stairs that I didn't bother seeing the falls—I'd already fallen head-over-heels in love.

Feb 28, 20201 min read

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion—Vilena Donton's house | Stairwell Review

I've fought mudcrabs more fearsome than these stairs.

Mar 21, 20201 min read

Watch Dogs | Stairwell Review

Why watch dogs when you can watch stairwells?

Feb 29, 20201 min read

Sniper Elite 4 | Stairwell Review

They told me I couldn't drive my car up a flight of wooden stairs. So I grabbed my kar and then drove its stock into that person's skull.

Feb 28, 20201 min read

Breath of Fire 2: SimaFort | Stairwell Review

More like peepee of fire. Never wade through dank pond scum inside of a castle operated by toads.

Feb 5, 20201 min read

Chest Mix

A bag of Chest Mix contains all the loose, slippery human organs you can wrap your lips around.

5 hours ago1 min read

The Anvilope

Quit losing your envelopes to carelessness, the wind, and insert third example here before shooting the commercial--buy The Anvilope today!

Sep 10, 20252 min read

Kingdong Hards for PlayStation 2

Donald, Goofy, and Sora fight the hordes of Hardless, thrusting and busting evil Dicney villains who use The Hardless like pawns.

Apr 27, 20242 min read

Stuart Belittle

The moment The Littles make their decision to adopt him, Stuart berates his fellow orphans for having been picked-over for a mouse.

Mar 24, 20242 min read

Chest Mix

Recent Posts

Comments

VCR Czar Tape004 - Banshee Chapter: Hunter S. and Me Gettin' Hunted in The Dark

Embarrassed Coworker Caught on Fly Trap Chooses Death Over Asking for Help

A Quarantined Stare: My Apartment Building

Pliable Teaser: Coronavirus Edition

The Last Air Blender

The Law Office of Ace Bandit & Bandit

Report: Cutting Board Still Smells Like Garlic

Hydra Flask

Phil Collins Doesn't Remember Acting in Waterworld, and I'm Not Surprised

Featured Posts

Recent Posts from Impotent Comics

Two Celebrities Who Did NOT Age Well

Lift With Your Legs

Life is a B

Hunger Overruled

Recent Posts from Impotent M.D.

Cunnilanguish | Medical Diagnosis

Diagnosis: 'Running With Caesars'

Diagnosis: Kocher

Diagnosis: Hellacopter

The Evergreen State College | SEM II Building

Red Lion Inn/Governor's Hotel

A Quarantined Stare: My Apartment Building

A Quick Stare: Tumwater Falls

Recent Posts from Stairwell Aficionado

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion—Vilena Donton's house | Stairwell Review

Watch Dogs | Stairwell Review

Sniper Elite 4 | Stairwell Review

Breath of Fire 2: SimaFort | Stairwell Review

Recent Posts From Gamer's Stairwell Aficionado

Chest Mix

The Anvilope

Kingdong Hards for PlayStation 2

Stuart Belittle

Recent Posts from Impotent Products