top of page

Phil Collins Doesn't Remember Acting in Waterworld, and I'm Not Surprised

Updated: Feb 28, 2020

Flaccid Jazz

Phil: Is that really how I held a machete? I feel like I would hold it differently--more progressively.

Me: More progressively?

Phil: Yeah, I'd put my own flair to it. Maybe I'd even turn off its audio track and do the sound effects myself.

Me: The sound of the machete cutting through...air?

Phil: Yeah, you know, the shwing shwing shwang. Actually, that sounds pretty good. Would you play that take back for me?

Me: Um, I wasn't recording?

Phil: Bugger, that's alright--I'll just record it later.

Me: For what purpose? Are you going to re-record the Foley and sound effects for Waterworld?

Phil: What? No, that would be a ridiculous waste of time. I'll just make another Waterworld and record the Foley and sound effects and soundtrack. Waterworld, I'm in a world of water, the sharpness of my blade is pulling you under, underneath the water in this world. Mmm, that felt fantastic--would you play that back for me?

Me: Phil, I'm still not recording.

Phil: Bugger.

Me: Are you aware of the fact that that character died at the end of Waterworld?

Phil: (laughs) Are you aware of how many 'farewell tours' I've been on?

Me: Phil, I don't think that was you in Waterworld.

Phil: Well I'd better go to...where do you suppose people buy machetes?

Me: Phil, I really don't...maybe Walmart?

And then he walked right on out of the small room in which my teeth had just been cleaned. My dentist, Dr Nomura, then entered.

Nomura: (sniffing the air) Was Phil Collins in here?

Me: Yeah, he just walked in and showed me a picture of the antagonist from Waterworld.

Nomura: (yelling to his staff) Phil Collins got in again, and he's learned how to get past the new traps!

180 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All



Featured Posts

Recent Posts from Impotent Comics

Recent Posts from Impotent M.D.

Recent Posts from Stairwell Aficionado