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Hydra Flask

Updated: Feb 28

Impotent Products

Are you ready to quench your thirst and EVERYTHING ELSE ON YOUR PERSON?


Put on those water wings, because it's time to WET YOUR WHISTLE with the new Hydra Flask!


It's got AT LEAST FIVE HEADS, maybe more, to absorb water from.

That's right, ABSORB!

With a Hydra Flask, you move BEYOND THE ACT of purely drinking water. Your body is going to thank you later when it eventually finishes drying off from the TSUNAMI OF AWESOME you just put it through!


What are you waiting for? Leave your competition in the dust and a SMALL POOL OF WATER your Hydra Flask deposits whenever you take a drink. Watch those losers slip and fall in a PUDDLE OF YOUR SUCCESS.


Is that a Hydra Flask in your pocket or are you just happy to see me after rolling around in RADICAL NUCLEAR WASTE that was created as a byproduct of your Hydra Flask's production? Either way, I'm WET WITH ANTICIPATION!


Once you take a sip, not even Hercules himself could harm you after your clothes soak up two pounds worth of DEFENSE WATER!

Now run into that burning house and SAVE A DUMB BABY, just to take its candy!


What's that? You don't like drinking from multiple nozzles at once? NEITHER DID HITLER. Now who's the monster? YOUR HYDRA FLASK, that's who!

So conquer the BEAST OF THE EAST with nein payments of $19.45!


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