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After 10 Years in Business Burial Grounds Considering Using Coffee Beans

Updated: Aug 16, 2020

The Impotent Satyr

Female-bodied person holds a keyboard over a mug of coffee.
"Yeah, they said they want espresso. Yeah, I'm doing the keyboard thing, but I'm low on random crumbs."

"We don't want to alienate our loyal customer base, but we've talked it over and are heavily thinking about using ground espresso moving forward," said Head Barista Cena Taffe about this recent mulled-over decision. "People enjoy our specialty drinks such as the 6-Feet Under which contains spearmint, rose, amaretto, and boiled water filtered through loamy soil. I'm hesitant to abuse this trust we've gained all over something as trivial as brewing lattes with coffee beans."

"Let it be clear that I am completely against this decision," piped up fellow Barista Kat Echome. "When I found that unidentifiable liquid in the back of the refrigerator and worked it into the special of the day called The Cold Case Vial (nutmeg, grenadine, apple syrup, red lipstick on the mug's rim, and that mystery fluid quickly steeped in steamed almond milk), those who ordered it were generally impartial. And those are the dispassionate regulars we love serving--not snobs who insist their coffees be made with actual coffee grounds."

Perplexed, I asked them what they'd been making Americanos from up until this point.

"Yeah, I always ran into confusion when someone would order one of those," weekend barista Deb Parted admitted. "So when that happens I usually just turn my computer keyboard upside down, collect into a paper filter the little bits that fall out, and run some hot seltzer water through 'em."

As the interview was wrapping up, I was offered an Unwarranted Kiss on the Lips consisting of steamed whole milk, salted taffy syrup, patchouli, rosewood oil, and a heavy-handed dusting of Kat's grandmother's ashes over whipped cream. I politely refused, assuring them that I was still full from the Doc Marten I ate for breakfast.

"I totally understand; I'm still working on mine," said Deb, holding up a masticated boot heel.

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