The Impotent Satyr
Appearing before the City Council on July 23rd, Olympia High School's Climate Action Club President Kaylee Shen and Vice President Bahar Bouzarjomehri demanded the city adhere to net-zero emissions by 2040. According to podcast Welcome to Olympia, the council addressed the club's concern by stating that they're "already part of a regional agreement to address carbon emissions." Thurston Regional Planning Council has stated that they are committed to reducing emissions by 85% by 2050.
That answer was not good enough for Shen who then berated the council of seven and told them how this was going to go down. "You're going to reduce the city's climate footprint to nothing."
"Yeah!" Bouzarjomehri yelled into the microphone over Shen's shoulder.
"By the year 2035," Shen continued.
"Yeah!" Bouzarjomehri cried again.
"And you're going to do it while wearing French maid outfits."
Councilmember Clark Gilman then took to his own microphone and voiced a concern. "Year twenty-thirty-five? You earlier stated twenty-forty."
Shen breathed heavily and mightily into the flimsy audio receptacle. "I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."
The rest of the council was visibly confused, as was the citizen audience in attendance. Councilmember Nathaniel Jones pouted and grumbled that he hasn't worn his French maid outfit since he was a decorated contestant on the Japanese game show, Kegareta Kagu, back in the late nineties, and that it does not fit him anymore.
Unwilling to give in to the outlandish demands of a teenager, Mayor Cheryl Selby protested, reiterating that Olympia was already on a path to lowering emissions.
Suddenly the lights fizzled and shattered, leaving the room completely in the dark aside from the light of Jones' phone screen as he searched Amazon for a maid outfit in his size. Then Shen's body became filled with a crimson aura and she lifted off the floor.
"My name is Greta Thunberg, and I have commandeered this vessel to relay this one warning: adopt a net-zero emissions policy to be carried out by the year twenty-thirty--"
Councilmember Clark Gilman exasperatedly wined, "Twenty-thirty?! You're altering the deal! Am I the only one up here that prayed for her not to do that very thing?!"
"Silence!" ShenGreta shrieked with the deafening intensity of one-thousand environmentalists witnessing an oil-leaking boat sink into West Bay Marina. "You're atmosphere-polluting vehicles are now forfeit!"
Councilmember Renata Rollins bemoaned having just configured her car's six radio presets to NPR and five different Latin music stations.
"If you are unable to change," ShenGreta finalized, "I will destroy that which you hold in the highest regard."
The entire room held its breath.
"Would you look at that," Jones, still staring at his phone, mumbled somewhat excitedly. "Free 2-day shipping."
"Your precious San Francisco Street Bakery!" ShenGreta howled and returned young Shen to the floor.
Those in attendance screamed in horror, and the lights (now organic beeswax candles) re-lit the room.
"What happened?" Shen asked, holding her head.
Bouzarjomehri shoved her classmate to the side and grabbed hold of the mic. "Yeah! You don't even get to piss without asking us first!"
"Aaand it'll be here Thursday," Jones said happily. "Alright, I think we're all in agreement that we'll have net-zero emissions by twenty-thirty--"
"Twenty-twenty-five, sucka!" Bouzarjomehri interrupted.
"Twenty-twenty-five," Jones agreed. "In French maid outfits."