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Due to Circumstances Beyond Control, City No Longer Accepting Curbside 4-Chord Musicians

Updated: Aug 16, 2020

The Impotent Satyr

"Due to oversupply and limited markets, we have seen a dramatic increase in costs associated with buying your child or loved one an acoustic guitar for Christmas," the City of Olympia stated in a letter sent out to its residents in late December of 2019.

"After an extensive review, the City has determined that removing your '4-chord guitarists' and your 'webcam ukulele players' will improve the quality and value of the City's supply of Oboists, Cellists, Violinists, etc. When mixed in the same roadside bins, our most treasured musicians become contaminated. Even after growing up and listening to the wildly varied and exemplary musical compositions of Bach, Chopin, Liszt, and Debussy, a weak Tenor Saxophonist can still succumb to the less-than-stellar 4-chord hits from The Smashing Pumpkins to The Offspring and The Cranberries to Blink-182. And by the time our City workers get around to picking up 13-year-old Jefferson Middle School honor student Avery Benison and bin-buddy Tommy Brigham with his Nirvana shirt and lime green guitar pick, Avery and her viola will be serenading the neighborhood with the chorus power chords of Staind's So Far Away while Tommy drools on himself and claps.

"We remain committed to recycling your loved ones' dedication-less habits and will be setting up drop-off sites for the public to use where your roommate (who walks it from the G to the C to the A and back to the C at every campfire outing) can be acquainted with lessons for their individual instrument which they can neglect to practice scales for and ultimately abandon. Also offered at these facilities will be entirely new hobbies that require an equally insignificant level of skill but are way less annoying to the rest of us.

"The other option is to simply throw your OneRepublic-covering musicians straight in the trash where you know they belong anyway."

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