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Spooner Berry Farms Now Offering Strawberry Puree I.V. Directly into Veins

The Impotent Satyr

Tim and Sue Spooner have listened to customers and have seen the benefits of a "dining-in" option for buyers of Thurston County's sweetest berries.


"This is our prototype farm stand," Sue tells me, pointing at a completely new and unnecessary set-up. "As you can see, we have seven-or-so gurneys surrounding the wooden hut and staff that have taken and passed a one-hour online course certifying them in I.V. application." Sue halted the tour to shoo and scold her 32-year-old son, Bradley (who did not pass the online course (here's hoping the tenth try is the charm)), out of the white lab coat he'd commandeered and the gurney his buttocks were calling home.


"I wasn't going to do anything!" Bradley protested before angrily throwing the coat and storming back to the cash register.


Sue rejoined me and continued. "If you're one of those people who orders a soda and fills the cup under each flavor offered, you can totally do that here and receive every kind of berry we offer--plus raw honey."


I then watched a customer do just that; their body began convulsing, and foam bubbled from their mouth, but Sue assured me it was natural and that it would stop on its own in roughly four hours.


We were then joined by Tim Spooner who brought Spooner Farms' renowned strawberries for me to sample. Tim didn't stay long, though, as he caught sight of Bradley flossing the lab coat from earlier between his butt cheeks. Tim chased his son around and around the farm stand until Bradley knocked over the gurney-ridden bloke who continued thrashing about on the dirt while Bradley hopped over their flailing arms and made his escape into a field of marionberries.


I accompanied Sue into the bush pastures where I was able to see and hear about the process of farm-to-table agrarianism and staying relevant in an ever-changing economy. "Whereas the I.V. is all about staying with us while you enjoy our produce, today we're also demoing berry enemas for the customer-on-the-go. In fact, we've already had a few takers--Bradley, no!" Sue screamed and bolted after her son who was crouched beneath a raspberry bush and was sucking dry the last drops from what he thought was an unfinished puree-loaded turkey baster.


I did not try either the I.V. nor the enema, but promised Tim and Sue that if they rolled out a line of suppositories, I'd be the first to order them.

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