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Man Once Again Uses All Free Olympian Articles On Restaurant Inspections

Updated: Aug 16, 2020

The Impotent Satyr

Olympia area man Jordan Shuleice let fall a single tear after loading up the webpage for the latest Thurston County food inspections via The Olympian's website, only to find that he'd yet again used his five free articles.

"This happens to me every month, but it stings every time," Jordan told The Impotent Satyr. "I'll think, 'maybe this is just my fourth article,' but it never is--it's always my last. I can't even recollect the previous four articles I read; it's a contiguous blur of bad drivers blocking traffic, cat fatalities, and numerous road projects in response to bad drivers blocking traffic."

When asked if he'd consider purchasing a subscription to the publication, Jordan replied, "I'd like to, but then I'll notice Archibald Sisters has a new lifelike pigeon/horse mask in stock; or Trader Joe's is selling honey-dipped batter-fried sriracha Bollywood-spiced avocado slices; or Music 6000 is having a sale on a pink ukulele I don't know how to play but can surely learn and not let it gather dust in the corner of my bedroom, and then there goes the rest of my paycheck."

As the interview was finishing up, Jordan had used a news aggregate to subvert The Olympian's block and start at free article #1, but was again taken to tears and incomprehensible wails when it was revealed that his favorite Tenino food mart's bleach sanitizer solution was well over 200 ppm.

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