The Impotent Satyr
Exiting The Clipper after Muse's Starlight was atrociously sung for the third time that night, Jamelda MacPlop drunkenly wandered down 4th Avenue in search of sustenance. After a minute of attempting to pronounce 'gyro' correctly, she saw that magnificent QB sidewalk sign just ahead. Her stomach rumbled, feet fumbled, and words jumbled as she spoke to who she thought was a Quality Burrito waiter. "One burrito please," she allegedly slurred to the amused Spidermonkey tattoo artist.
"I looked into Spidermonkey Tattoos, and I saw her pointing somewhat toward her mouth area and yelling, 'Put it here, dummy,'" one eye witness told The Impotent Satyr.
"I asked if she wanted to talk about it first," said the Spidermonkey tattoo artist, Damien Placentacock. "She burped on my eyeballs and told me she 'don't want two tacos.' I tried to shoo her next door, but she pulled out a wad of very moist cash, and I couldn't say no—my dominatrix has been hounding me for money and threatening to not stomp on my testicles, so I was desperate for money."
Unsolicited, Damien proudly showed us his downstairs bits completely wrapped in bloody bandages. Our reporter gagged but persevered through the interview.
"I'm pleased with the way [the burrito face tattoo] turned out," he continued. "I think I nailed the salsa spilling over onto the nose just right. Any business that hires Jamelda will be thrilled to have such a well-seasoned, held together, fiery young woman with a face tat in their employ—as long as that place of work happens to be a Chuck E Cheese and her face is inside the greasy rat costume. RIP, Pizza Rat."
The DJ/soap bubble sorceress at The Clipper karaoke bar emailed us, saying she was 'not surprised' at Jamelda's actions, explaining that Jamelda had been singing nothing but food songs all night. "She started out with Peaches by The Presidents of the United States of America, getting visibly excited from the juicy details in the lyrics. Then she jumped on the second microphone during a complete stranger's turn to further ruin the song Cherry Pie by Warrant. This young woman finalized her night by belting out Weezer's Pork and Beans when in fact the actual song playing was Island in the Sun. Complete shit show."
The Impotent Satyr reached out to Jamelda for a response, but her roommate informed us that Jamelda would likely not rise until the early hours of evening. Her roommate did show us a cellphone video she recorded the previous night that shows a post-tattooed Jamelda in front of a mirror, attempting to eat her own face.