The Impotent Satyr
"At first he was only loading up on thick and long vegetables: a gargantuan carrot, a monstrous cucumber, truly a leviathan of a zucchini," a nosey west-side shopper told The Impotent Satyr about the customer in question. "But then he scoured over and picked out a less-than-endowed three-inch jalapeno—so that was thoughtful and inclusive."
"Clearly his mind was elsewhere—like, in the gutter, next to wild asparagus," a produce-stocker who requested anonymity told us. "At one point he held two rutabagas at chest height, shook his head, and set them back down. Which is ass-backwards; fondling the rutabagas is the best perk of this job, and I do it often."
A cashier named Mitchell spoke to us about his strange interaction with the customer. "I grabbed and weighed the gigantic daikon radish he'd picked out, and he felt the need to tell me, 'It's for a friend.' I didn't know how to respond, so I just said that it would 'be good tossed in a lightly dressed salad,' to which he responded, 'Aww yeah it will.'"
Mitchell rang up the rest of the vegetable phalluses and was surprised when the customer impulsively ran across the small store to grab a bag of peanuts-in-the-shell.
"I'm going to eat these veggies, I swear," the customer reportedly told Mitchell. "The same goes for these salted nuts, obviously."
"I told him, 'You can do whatever you like with them—I just sell 'em,'" Mitchell said in response. "And then he said, 'Right, but I'm going to eat them, like I usually do. Er, like I always do.' He paid me and hurried out and...oh. That guy was gonna fuck those vegetables, wasn't he?"
The Impotent Satyr would like to state, for the record, that we are tuber-sexual. Boil 'em; mash 'em; stick 'em in a Stu.
This truly detestable post sponsored by: Weeb Cuisine