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Olympia TRL Closed Until Feb 3, Librarians Engage in Raucous Month-Long Bender

Updated: Aug 16, 2020

The Impotent Satyr

The Olympia branch of the Timberland Regional Library will be closed until early 2020 while employees engage in a month-long blitzkrieg of nerdy proportions. The Impotent Satyr has staked out the location in these first few days. The reporting that follows is an uprooting of any preconceived notions you may currently have about our local librarians. Viewer discretion is advised.

On the first day of the closure, TRL employees were witnessed bringing both food and drink into the library. Upon closer inspection (peeking through a window), corks were dislodged, and the libations began to flow into a myriad of snarky book-humor text-covered coffee mugs. The party-ers were not complete animals, however, as they did find coasters (in the form of Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged) upon which they rested their goblets.

An hour later I was forced to retreat to-and-under a green blanket of salal, as a large number of sauced employees came outside. One librarian used page 489 from the 1994 edition of Plants of the Pacific Northwest Coast to roll a sizeable but tight blunt. A small circle of book worms was formed less than twenty-five feet from the building's entrance, and the group proceeded to pass around the smoldering joint. Between puffs and hysterical claims of one's 'college weeding level', partakers in the community jazz cabbage wildly recited from memory (with the best of their ability) Llama Llama Red Pajama, page-by-page. It was quite the spectacle to behold.

The lead Data Librarian stoked the silly spinach embers, inhaled a cloud, and finished off the book...

Llama llama red pajama

Gets two kisses from his mama

Snuggles pillow soft and deep

Baby llama goes to sleep

...before exhaling to cheers and excited whoops from the circle. High-fives followed, but winces from stinging pain followed those too, as paper cuts littered every inch of the employees' hands.

The group danced back inside, creating quite a cacophony within the normally silent halls. Things got extra funky when an employee with the title Archival Professional 4 unearthed a boom box and began bumping the audiobook version of J. M. Barrie's Peter Pan, narrated by Tim Curry. This is when the situation went from holistic to ballistic. The librarians lost their shit when Tim Curry's tenor timbre tickled their temporal lobes. Absolute bananas.

I left the scene when a Library Page assembled a mountain of books whose ISBNs spelled "BUTTS" when assigning a letter its numerical position in the alphabet.

Returning daily, it has become clear to me that this fiesta will not stop until the Words Per Minute drop.

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