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Oly Mayor Selby Adjourns Council Meeting to Play 17 Straight Hours of Smash Bros.

Updated: Aug 16, 2020

The Impotent Satyr

Mayor Selby repping the Ice Climbers at Smash Bros

What began as a standard meeting on Thurston County's 911 communications radio system ended earlier than expected when Olympia Mayor Cheryl Selby finished consuming her third Slim Jim and gavel'd her little wooden hammer with enough ferocity to make Thor Norse God of Thunder blush.

Selby, the city's first female mayor and Cannibal Corpse enthusiast, then rushed out of the council chamber and erratically drove to the Cooper Point Gamestop to purchase Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. She pushed her way to the front of the line, exclaiming aloud for those around her to "make way" and "part yourselves because your mayor, Cheryl Motherf**king Selby, is here, you turds! Don't make me Falcon Punch your kidneys. I swear to Isaac Stevens I'll do it!"

Cheryl successfully paid for the new Nintendo game and made it safely home where she sat cross-legged on the floor next to a half-eaten bag of Funyuns, a full French press of coffee, two boxes of Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cakes, three more Slim Jims, one and a half bottles of two-buck Chuck, and her Slayer sticker-covered vape pen and mashed her Nintendo Switch controller until the early hours of the following day.

If you wish to play Super Smash Bros. against the mayor online you can look up her gamertag: G4velSm4shedF4ce.


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