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Regressives Initiate All-Inclusive Orgy in Hopes of Reverting County to Phase 1

Updated: Aug 16

The Impotent Satyr

A special thanks to John Cena, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Katy Perry, Tom Cruise, Cacodemon from Doom, young Phil Collins, and Pink Guy for posing in this picture.

A group of protesters challenging Thurston County's move into Phase 2 of Governor Inslee's plan to reopen the state have organized an all-inclusive, ever-invasive public sexual orgy in order to contract and spread covid-19 and return to Phase 1.


The initial Gordian Knot of human intercourse started as they often do with three simultaneously played games of Twister on the sidewalk in front of Olympia Olive Oil. After administering a shiny coat of the extra-virgin stuff to all participants, a right leg blue led to a left arm yellow and then a right arm green grazed a left leg resting sinfully on red. Before a fifth spin was conducted, the whole affair turned into a greasy fuck fest.


"It was like seeing one of those rat king things—the rats with all their tails tied together—spill onto fourth avenue and walk down the street in unison—continuing to fornicate with every step," said local resident Bubbles Biekpeg who witnessed the disturbing scene and promptly vomited the pad see iew she'd just consumed at Narai. "My lunch wasn't as tasty the second time around and, honestly, the bile-drenched wide rice noodles that slopped onto the sidewalk looked eerily similar to the olive oil-covered limbs thrashing about in that mobile orgy."


One of The Impotent Satyr's journalists caught up with the orgy as it burst through the doors of King Solomon's Reef and clambered onto and over the diner's counter. This is when the amalgam of assholes split in two. Our journalist, Hergen Burgjergalur, was pulled off his feet and sucked into one of them. Not missing a beat, Hergen quickly de-robed, whipped out his girthy fat head microphone, and asked some questions to his eleven new sexual partners.


"First off, does that tattoo go all the way back to your...oh—yes it does. Alright, next question: Why are you attempting to revert Thurston County to Phase 1?"


"We're gonna fuck and fuck some more until we get our social distancing restrictions back again—this time enforced by police," said someone who answered with 'fuck yeah right there' when asked their name for the record.


"You actually want social distancing measures in effect and enforced? That's seems a bit ironic given the lack of 6 feet (not counting the 24 human feet in this cock and clit conglomerate) between any one of us," Hergen responded.


"I love irony! Look, I've got it tattooed on my tits."


"What is that, Papyrus font?"


A true man of integrity, Hergen stayed with the orgy for the next nineteen minutes and only managed to escape when an impatient cyclist hurried across an intersection (trying to beat a forthcoming green light) missed the sidewalk ramp (hitting the sidewalk lip), and flew over his handlebars and crash landed in front of Noping The Shop. He tumbled and collided with the cyclone of coitus, ejecting Hergen, and inadvertently took Hergen's spot in a 60-second spanking session.


Leaving the orgy to roam where it pleased, police in the area were distracted by and had surrounded an unarmed black man who posed a threat to the safety of the Meconi's hoagie in his hands.

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