The Impotent Satyr
"Gosh darn it! Enough is enough; I am sick and tired of people coming onto my podcast, The Olympia Standard, to talk about Lacey or Tumwater!" Emmett O'Connell yelled loudly inside Vic's Wildwood at no one in particular, according to eye-witness reports. "I feel the bulging sensation of an expletive coming down the pipeline!"
Parents of a family of four enjoying an 18" Four Cheese Olympia took note of the threat and quickly plugged their children's young impressionable ears with kalamata olives and feta cheese.
"According to analytics from our previous episodes," Emmett went on after making eye-contact with a cashier, "our guests manage to bring up non-Olympia municipalities an average of .8 times per episode. That's cuss-worthy," he said as he cut off the cashier attempting to escape by the water station. "The last time I swore," he whispered ominously, "...well, let's just say that I couldn't wear those pants ever again."
It was at this point that fellow The Olympia Standard co-host, Dani Madrone, entered the restaurant with a hankering for salami & bathroom graffiti and noticed Emmett's wild emotional state. "Hey, what's wrong big guy?" she reportedly asked. "Did the workers here pronounce your name Omelette again?"
"No--well, yes--but I'm unable to cope with our podcast guests constantly comparing Olympia to other cities. And I feel my lexicon slipping into the profane."
Dani became worried. "But the last time you used an epithet...you had to burn those pants."
Emmett assured her he was aware. He then attempted to calm down and ordered a refill on his beer.
"What did you have?" the freed-at-last Vic's employee asked.
"The local stout, of course--hashtag Olympia brewing."
"The My Dog Scout Stout?" the employee went on. "From Top Rung Brewing in Lacey?"
Lacey. LACEY. Laceyyyyyyyyyy.
The word rattled around in Emmett's head as he began boiling with anger. And Dani could only watch in horror as the inevitable approached, and the semi-pro historian's lips mouthed a big fat "Fuck!"
All was silent throughout the store, finally broken by the faintest murmur from Emmett. "Dani...call my mom...and tell her to start up the incinerator."