The Impotent Satyr
LAFAYETTE, LA—Suddenly stopping his caramel-stirring and glancing toward his supervisor, a visibly shocked and disappointed Julio Ortega confirmed to his fellow coworkers that the new hire was already repeating an uninteresting factoid he'd previously stated the week prior.
"I have a deep appreciation for my kitchen crew," Julio told journalists. "Each worker has upwards of forty different lines of dialogue which they repeat at-will, all day long. But then in-walks the new hire who informs me and my crew that The White Stripes did in fact have a bassist; her name was Shmeg White, and she looked exactly like the drummer, Meg White."
Julio explained that he shrugged it off the first time that the line of dialogue was spoken. "After he told me the White Stripes thing I was like, 'Oh, wow, that's crazy, man,' and then immediately responded with a pre-programmed dialogue line of my own, of course."
The new coworker showed off nine different lines of dialogue before the week's end. The kid was off to a promising start.
But then Monday came around.
"I had just clocked-in for work and began cooking some caramel on the stove. I look to my left, and the new hire is standing there, staring at me," Julio said to journalists. "And that's when he asked if I knew about The White Stripes' seemingly-unknown-to-the-world bassist. I looked to my supervisor to see if she'd heard what I just heard and, yeah, she was in full déjà vu with tears in her eyes."
Julio began choking up while recounting the event. "He hadn't even worked a full week yet! He was hired on a Wednesday, and he's already said the same thing twice! Leave alone the fact that it's super not true. We Googled it, but we don't have the heart to tell the guy the truth after he doubled down on this Shmeg White thing."
It was at this point that our Impotent Satyr journalist asked Julio how it was that this interview was taking place at all if Julio only had a limited selection of dialogue lines to speak aloud. Julio responded to the question by stating that he had seen some mudcrabs earlier that day and that he detested them.