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Hairnets, Beardnets, Now Hornets: How This Kitchen is Ushering in the New Standard for Hygeine

The Impotent Satyr

Northwest Candied Bliss Solutions is a place where candies are cooked with love and to perfection. Cleanliness and sanitation are paramount in the kitchens. That being said, the candies created are not immune to the human touch, i.e. fallen scalp and beard hair. It seems you can’t have human employees go a few hours without bumping into something and shedding some small part of their body onto the product.

Or can you?

Kitchen Manager Elsa Burro has done everything in her power to catch the falling hairs before they come into contact with any candy. “I have provided hairnets for the head hairs and beardnets for the beard hairs,” Elsa told journalists.

But once she’d cleared the air of hair, Elsa shined a heat lamp in her employees’ faces and was horrified by what she saw; Their mouths were humid and coated in saliva. “The potential for spit to fly from their mouths and get on the candy was too high. I had to make a preemptive strike.”

“Since there aren’t such things as “mouth nets,” I had to improvise to tackle this problem,” Elsa explained. “You know what they say, ‘The best defense is a good offensive devil-of-an-insect that will literally sting you if you make any sudden or moderate or slow movements.’"

To prove her point, Elsa opened the box. A single hornet flew out and stung an employee who was apparently breathing too aggressively.

“Well there are such things as ‘mouth nets,’” Elsa admitted, “but I’ve been told they are actually banned by the 1929 Geneva Convention. Go figure.”

After putting on their hair and beardnets but before washing their hands, Kitchen workers are required to access the hornets by opening the plastic box mounted on the wall. Once a few yellow angry boys fly out, the employee must quickly drop the lid shut, smacking any other hornets unlucky enough to be in the way—this will really get their knickers in a twist and guarantee that they sting the next unlucky person to open the box. It’s a brutal cycle that goes on until all workers have four-to-seven hornets swarming around their heads.

“The hornets fly into our open mouths, collect the saliva we produce, and bounce,” kitchen assistant Julio told reporters. Julio had to cut the interview short however, as he was severely dehydrated and was suffering from thirteen stings-to-the-face-and-eyes. “I think I can outlast going into anaphylactic shock until my scheduled break.”

When asked why she decided to use the insects, Elsa revealed that there were other options to block the spit, “but none of those options ended in 'nets'. And I really wanted to keep with the 'nets' theme so I ultimately went with hornets. Well… Bonnets was another idea that did actually end in 'nets'. Initially, we placed bonnets over half of the face of every employee, but unfortunately too many people suffocated while cooking caramel, resulting in a lot of wasted product.”

Workers are dropping like flies, but Northwest Candied Bliss Solutions is confident in their ability to hire quicker than employees can die.

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