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Did You Know? Your Sex Toys are AT LEAST 18 Years Old

Updated: Jul 19, 2019

The Impotent Satyr

"Oh, did I spray you with some brat juice? I'm just the wurst."

Did you know that the age of consent applies to humans as well as sex toys? That 12-inch beige dildo you're applying with rapid force was manufactured at least eighteen years ago because of a little-known federal law that requires all parties involved in coitus be of age, and, you guessed it, this includes any object creating stimulating sensations, as well.


German sex toy manufacturing company Fun Factory tells The Impotent Satyr,


"Our team of sex scientists have made some unbelievable products that are going to give you unimaginable orgasms...in eighteen years. Ah, in Germany we are having the best orgasms--you can't even imagine."


Baby Powder-maker Johnson and Johnson had just released, back in January, a product line of edible lube that they'd developed 18 years ago. Unfortunately, the team at Johnson and Johnson in 2001 was all about putting asbestos in anything that they could get away with. So, it didn't take long for Willem Dafoe to get a nasty stomach ache and take a trip to the Emergency Room, where doctors discovered Johnson & Johnson's johnson sin, John. I'm assuming that's your name for this alliteration; John is the most popular name in North America so I don't feel too bad about this.

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