The Impotent Satyr
Local man Samuel Cornswallow had a long history of older males telling him to "man-up" and "grow a pair" when Samuel didn't match up to the standards others had for him. All that changed when researchers at the University of Illinois ran some testes tests and confirmed that gonads could in fact be grown in heavily fertilized soil.
Upon reading the news in his local newspaper, Samuel uprooted enough butter lettuce in his garden bed to make room for his future oval crops. All he needed to do to begin the process was "plant" his current testicles in the dirt for about an hour.
"This'll teach my highschool bully Blake Murphy to push my head in a toilet," said Cornswallow as he squatted pants-less over his garden. "Blake was actually recently diagnosed with testicular cancer, and they had to remove both of his balls. Now he and his wife can't have kids! And he sure as hell ain't gettin' any of my homegrown testes! Ahahahaha!"
Samuel continued to laugh maniacally even as we drove away.