The Impotent Satyr
After receiving an order from the big boss to stand guard next to a red 50-gallon barrel, Henchman #237 left their post and met with human resources on-sight at the industrial facility.
"I don't even know what's inside those barrels," #237 told the manager. "But I saw one explode last week and kill twelve dudes--blew their skin off, and their skeletons just crumbled to dust. It was extremely unsettling, especially because that afternoon the cafeteria served us giant turkey legs for lunch."
This wasn't the first time Henchman #237 had made a surprise visit to HR. Two months ago they raised a similar question about hazardous work environments.
"Our infrastructure is crumbling, and I don't mean that figuratively. Again, I don't know what these barrels contain, but wherever there's a partially broken wall, you can bet your ass there's a red barrel nearby. And now I've got my own barrel in a location where the wall has seen some wear-and-tear. What exactly is the thinking here?"
It's the constant questioning which has brought Henchman #237 nothing but ire from management. One of the supervisors agreed to talk with us on condition of anonymity.
"Yeah, #237 is constantly giving me grief. It's always, 'Why does my guard manual teach me to patrol in an easily-memorable, repeatable pattern?' and 'Why does the manual encourage me to take 30-seconds to stare at a wall?' and my favorite 'Why are we leaving health packs and extra ammunition just lying around?' That's just the way it is, I say! Shut up and do your job. But #237 never lets it go."
Henchmen #237 also detailed a questionable concern about bathroom policy on the worksite.
"There needs to be two people around just to open the door to the bathroom. I have to leave my post, find a coworker, walk to a control panel, and then we each have to push a large pair of buttons simultaneously--just to open the bathroom door. And that's not the worst part! My coworker then needs to find yet another coworker to push the button in my stead, so that I can exit said lavatory. I've been trapped in there before! Although, I will say that day I got locked in there, apparently some hardcore ex-military dude came through the base and completely obliterated half the work force. And now in typical management fashion, they refuse to hire on more workers, so now I have to pick up the barrel-patrolling slack of five dead coworkers while receiving no bump in pay."
While Henchman #237 brings some valid concerns, neither their coworkers nor management have seen fit to do much of anything to resolve these issues. In fact, when we last reached out to them, #237 told us they are being punished for speaking to the media and have been given an additional task of hiding prototype weapons and armor around the site in secretive but advantageous-if-found-by-an-enemy locations.