The Impotent Satyr
Patrick Grumbles was sick of being the laughing stock of Georgia's North Paulding High School, all because he chose to wear a yellow mask covering his mouth and nose—a small effort to protect himself (and even his doodie-head classmates) against the spread of COVID-19. He was picked on and was on the receiving end of multiple non-socially-distanced Wet Willies. North Paulding High hadn't even been open for a full week after reopening mid-pandemic, and Patrick had already decided he'd had enough.
At 7:09 AM on a normal Thursday morning, Patrick broke into his father's safe and stole his old man's IR Contactless Digital Body Laser Gun along with extra ammunition (four AA batteries) just in case things got messy. He then supposedly stuffed the gun, as well as a spray bottle of disinfectant solution, into his Jansport backpack and ran to catch the bus.
Video cameras show Patrick entering the building at 7:42. As soon as he enters the lobby, he reaches deep into his book bag and pulls out the digital thermometer gun. From a different camera providing a new angle, we can see Patrick rounding the corner to the long High School hallway. As soon as he reaches the first locker his gun is drawn and aimed at the forehead of 1st string quarterback and "COVID is a hoax" enthusiast Broman Guyperson. While the camera quality isn't good enough to see the boy's temperature, Patrick's reaction tells us enough. Patrick immediately takes a step back and sprays Broman in the face with the disinfectant. The quarterback can be seen grabbing his stinging eyes and crumpling to the floor.
A few un-masked students notice what Patrick has just done and attempt to call him a mindless sheep for caring that this coronavirus has killed 194,000 people in the U.S. At this point, Patrick knows that he doesn't need to use the thermometer gun on these students. Instead, he unscrews the lid of the spray bottle and douses his jeering classmates.
Video shows Patrick sprinting down the hall, passing by students making no attempt to cover their faces or maintain a distance of at least six feet apart. Patrick reaches the nurse's office, but more specifically, the only touchless hand sanitizer machine in the school's east wing.
He sticks his hand out. The little wall-mounted dispenser makes a sound, but nothing comes out. Patrick retracts his hand and tries again. The same thing happens. Footage from a camera directly above the sanitizing station shows Patrick spin around. He's surrounded by students reaching out to him with sticky, sickly fingers. Patrick points the temperature gun at one person—100.7°F. He points it at the next person—101.1°F. The next—100.4°F. Next—101.3°F. There's no escape.
The students tackle Patrick to the ground and rip off his mask. "One of us," they chant as Patrick passes out and pisses his "diamond" Minecraft pants. Passing by the unsafe scene, the unmasked school superintendent, Brian Otott, stops to give everyone high-fives and generally act like an irresponsible leader to the students, faculty, and parents who trusted him. Nice job, Brian, you fucking dick.
