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Speed Racer Fan Theory Confirmed: "Yes, Everyone is Cumming Their Pants Constantly"

The Impotent Satyr

Suzuka Yoshida, the daughter of series creator Tatsuo Yoshida, has confirmed a long-running Speed Racer fan theory: All the gasping exclaimed by Speed Racer's family and friends are, in fact, extreme orgasms brought on by Speed's reckless behavior on the race track.

Sometimes Speed can't even finish his sentence before the sidelined members of his racing team scream into the radio their otherworldly gasps of delectation.

The following is from an un-aired scene during episode 7 in which Speed actually calls out the obscene behavior of his crew.

Speed: Guys, can you keep the radio chatter to a minim-

Trixie: Ohhhh-!

Speed: Trixie, please, this is no time to-

Pops: Waaaa-!

Speed: If I don't focus, I'm going to barrel off of this cliff-

Chim Chim: Ooo-he-e-eee!

Speed: I swear to god, Chim Chim, the Mach 5 has a button that ejects the contents of its trunk—I'll push it and send you flying into shark-infested waters, you simian son-of-a-bitch!

"Every executive at TV Tokyo knew exactly that those moans weren't of astonishment," Suzuka told The Impotent Satyr via email. "The higher-ups decided that, in the official canon, Speed would not address the endless exclamation ejaculations made by his father, girlfriend, younger brother's pet chimp, and many others. Japanese and American audiences never got to know the truth and must now think that shrieking out an oddly pleasurable note while watching cars race is somehow appropriate behavior."

After the official revelation by Ms. Yoshida, Hollywood green-lighted production on a new live action reboot. Wes Anderson agreed to and has been directing the flick for the past two weeks, and he's making everyone on the set cum in their pants at staggered intervals in order to understand Tatsuo Yoshida's original vision of this child's anime.

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