The Impotent Satyr
From his top-secret state-of-the-art survival bunker that is definitely not just the tool shed located in the backyard of the Biden family's Delaware home, Joe Biden turned on the Google and began addressing a few discrepancies from his past (and present (and maybe future if he feels like it)) caused by his in-your-face, on-your-thigh kind of lifestyle.
"A couple of times in college I ended up at a party where there were smokin' hot women—just out there in the open," Joe Biden spoke into his webcam to an audience of just his MySpace friend Tom. "I didn't want to be that guy that killed the vibe. So I took a lady, Mary Jane, from a guy on my left, and then I poked my nose through her curls and took in a whiff. BUT I DID NOT INHALE!" he clarified, nearly screaming now and looking into a part of the computer that was not the camera lens.
He professed to Tom and the Biden family dog, Major, that he didn't even like it, and only did it three more times...that night, going on to say that it was "a mistake." Joe sat back and took a sip of coffee from an empty mug and mustered the will to address a separate occasion that occurred much later in his life, admitting that he "got dared" into "taking forty-three hits" from forty-three different women on his forty-third birthday. The hits being slaps in the face in retaliation for the former Vice President's signature Joe 'Hello'.
"The fighting spirit in me couldn't refuse a challenge of that magnitude," he stated bluntly, his pupils gaining a red tint at the mere memory. "Besides, I had to beat my record of forty-two from the previous year's festivities."
Halfway through his web cam defense, Joe took a break and sang his favorite vocal warm-up. "Heads, shoulders, knees, and toes. KNEES AND TOES! Heads, shoulders, knees, and toes. KNEES AND TOE-WO-WOES!"