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Energy Sec. Rick Perry Expected to Resign Once Out of Coloring Books

Updated: Nov 12, 2019

The Impotent Satyr

According to anonymous sources in the White House, Former Texas Governor and current Energy Secretary Rick Perry is expected to leave his position in November once his last stack of coloring books is set to fully deplete. One of the few cabinet members who has not been embroiled in scandal owes his relatively quiet career to the massive stockpile of colorless soft-cover books he brought with him when he was sworn-in.

"He's had a tough time since day one," the same anonymous source tells me. "Just the swearing-in ceremony alone bored him so greatly that he began connecting-the-moles on his arm with a black pen."

Since that day, Mr Perry has been, with fervor, inking page after page after page of SpongeBob Squarepants, Rugrats, Rocket Power, and many many more varieties of coloring books.

"He's a Nickelodeon guy through and through," another source tells me. "He can complete an average of 0.9 books per day. But when flying to other countries, he only manages to get about a quarter of the way through a book before his usual in-flight meal of pretzels and soda water puts him down for a nap. Also, his hand starts cramping-up after he's been going at it hard for five hours or so. The cramps happen twice as fast on days when he comes in to work and just crayons every single page--top-to-bottom--with a single color."

The Impotent Satyr wasn't able to get an audience with Rick Perry, but an aide assured us Rick had been studiously hunched over a Trix cereal box pencil maze all morning, and he'd vehemently demanded that he not be interrupted for any reason. The aide was a bit worried that the Energy Secretary was pushing his body and mind too far. "The only water he's consumed in the last eight hours he's had to suck from the Lunchables ham slices left over from yesterday's afternoon snack."

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