The Impotent Satyr
On Monday, October 6, President Trump finished his milk-heavy bowl of Fruit Loops and announced that a small contingent of US troops in Syria was to be pulled out of the Kurdish-occupied territory near Turkey. After this decision, GOP lawmakers and military officials alike criticized the President on his pinkish-green milk mustache as well as this sudden move that now allows Turkey President Recep Tayyip Erdogan (an anagram of 'ya creepy pirate dong') to invade the area and slaughter the Kurdish fighters (US allies who Turkey deems terrorists).
In response to the almost universal backlash, Trump spoke to reporters, defending his position. "They didn't help us in the American Revolutionary War. Do you remember Kurds in the boat with George Washington when he crossed the Delaware? I don't remember Kurds in the boat with George Washington when he crossed the Delaware. The fact that they were not in that boat with George Washington when he crossed the Delaware scientifically means that, not only were they refusing aid to our young nation, but they were actively rooting for our demise. It's true, folks."
Onlookers were visibly confused at the out-loud thought, so the President continued his lambaste of the Kurds, mentioning how they weren't there for Adele when her voice blew out. "She had to get surgery to fix her voice!" the President bellowed to the crowd. "And the Kurds couldn't care less!"
The Kurdish fighters could not be reached for comment on the Adele matter, however their latest Facebook status reads "Totally know how Julius Caesar felt. Might not post for a while. Currently getting blown tfu."