PENultimate 2.0 — It's not the ballpoint pen you're looking for, but it's the one you happen to find first or, rather, find second-to-last. And that's because the PENultimate 2.0 is scientifically engineered to run out of ink mere seconds after being used. Guaranteeing that the user will have to roam about their home, looking for another pen to finish the job.
But that's what the PENultimate 2.0 is all about: Starting the job.
When we started the job of building the PENultimate, we slowly realized that we were working on the penultimate PENultimate. In a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy, a final version had to exist.
We, of course, scrapped everything we had created until that point and began working on the PENultimate 2.0. It's our final version. Because, you see, if we create a third version, then our first PENultimate was never actually penultimate. And its very existence would fly in the face of God and also my scolding mother Delilah who is frowning from across the dinner table.
So go write your congress person.
Search your surroundings for an ink-rich pen. Alas, grab the PENultimate 2.0 when your search turns up empty.
Pen your congress person's name in a twisted manner.
Write them a well-reasoned opening sentence...
...and then actually rummage a bit more thoroughly for a pen that contains ink
and finish writing the last 98% of your letter.
PENultimate 2.0 is sold wherever mechanical pencils are pushed into arms like intravenous needles.