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Buzzfeed Try Guys Become Foreign Dictators, Give Public Executions a Go

The Impotent Satyr

"It's impossible to hate Keith, even when he's corralled a pack of starving dogs to eat you alive."

"So I just shoot this guy in the head?" asks Zack Kornfield, pointing a trembling finger at a bound & gagged man on his knees.


"No, no, no," a Turkish general dissuades him. "You don't do that. They do that," he said, pointing at a line of armed soldiers. "You order it to be done."


"I don't think I can do this," Zack whimpers.


"Come now--you must believe in yourself." The general kicks the prisoner in the face. "Tell this unattractive American he must believe in himself," he yells.


"Please!" the prisoner cries. "I just want to see my family again!"


"You hear that?" the general says. "This urinating imbecile just wants to see his family. Would you really deny him this final, honorable request?"


"B-but how would killing him-"


"We shot his family this morning. He wishes to see them in heaven," the general mentions lightheartedly and with a shrug.


"Y-you killed my family?"


"DO IT!" the general yells.


Zack begins screaming.

The prisoner wails.

The general chuckles. "This reminds me of my first execution. By Jove, my first wife sure had some nice bazingas."


Let's check in with Ned who's currently in Russia.


Without a shirt, Ned is seen riding a horse about the countryside. "I could get used to this," he says, taking a pull from a bottle of unlabeled vodka and firing a Desert Eagle at one of a handful of journalists tied to trees before him.


Eugene is in North Korea, having a blast, I assume.


"So I just lock up this lady in that cage that doesn't allow her to lie down or stand up straight?" Eugene asks.


"Yes," a military leader confirms.


"And then these soldiers do the same to the rest of her family?"


"That is correct."


"What's stopping me from doing the same to you?"


"Absolutely nothing."


"Neat--get in there."


And, finally, let's check in with Keith who, it appears, is currently recreating the Tiananmen Square Massacre.


"I, uh, don't know what you're talking about. Nothing happened here. And nothing ever happened at Tiananmen Square; absolutely nothing happened there in 1989. You know what? Now "nothing" is going to happen to you too, announcer!"


Christ! I've been shot. Oh, god, it hurts! Oh no, Keith is currently pushing a rifle against my dome. It looks like this is it. Tune in next week as The Try Guys whip up some homemade maple bars and then feed them to a shirtless, roofied Liam Hemsworth! See ya!



Related post: White House Wants More North Korea Options from Pentagon, Receives George Foreman Grill-Launching Trebuchet

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