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Notre Dame Blaze Suspect: Stocky Man in Green Tunic Smelling of Rum & Ham

Updated: Jul 19, 2019

The Impotent Satyr

Danny DeVito dressed as Quasimodo holds up a green Camelbak backpack
"We set the building on fire, you just happened to catch on fire!"

The 13th century cathedral in Paris caught fire April 15, destroying the roof and one of the towers before finally being subdued 12 hours later by firefighters. Parisians weep at the damage to one of their most prominent attractions that ushers in 13 million tourists per year.

Who is to blame for this travesty? Police have confirmed they do have a suspect description and an active group of the force on the hunt for this pyromaniac described as short and stocky, wearing a green tunic as well as an assumed Camelbak underneath said tunic, with messy hair and a shit-eating green. Police have even given details on the suspect's aroma: an unseemly concoction of rum and ham. If you see or smell the person described, please contact authorities immediately before he gets real weird with it.

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