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Newest Sensation Tricking Kids, Self-Rebooting

Updated: Jul 19, 2019

The Impotent Satyr

Teenager with a power button behind their ear.
"Make sure to wash behind your ears, thoroughly."

Kids from all over the world are falling for a viral sensation that instructs them to "self-reboot" themselves, as life as we know it is not life at all but a virtual facsimile simulating the life we've left behind and forgotten.

I asked my 16-year-old nephew, Brandon, if he'd heard of this phenomenon and what he thinks about it. He told me, and I quote, "I'm just not sure this is real life, you know? Like, all I'm seeing is binary. Democrats; Republicans, Big Mac; Whopper, People of Color; People not of color, ones and zeros, my dude. Masturbate; stare at a wall. I'm freaking out, man."

I followed Brandon to his room, where he watched an older boy in an internet video talk about how he's starting to notice himself glitch every once in a while. For example, the older boy says, "sometimes I'll send dick pics to, like, ten different girls when I meant to just send the one dick pic to my mom." Wait--hold up.

A 16-year-old girl with the YouTube channel, AngeliqueDoorHandel, told her audience that her mind longs to return to her outside body that sits perpetuated within a fraction of time. She claims that Christopher Nolan came from the outside and tried to convince us of this when he created the hit movie, Inception. And now the only way out is by self-rebooting, the act of which she goes into great detail. She claims that you must get your fidget spinner into your body by any means available. Then focus your mind and spin the toy within yourself to fully awaken on the outside.

Brandon reached for his own fidget spinner and told me to leave the room, as he had to take off his britches in order to administer the toy. You can bet that I slapped him good and told the idiot he was being lied to, and that he should write a will that leaves all his comic books to his cool and rad uncle Dan, and then toast some bread while in the bath tub. You can't neglect a classic.

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