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CREEPER VANS | Off the Ankle Monitor

Impotent Products

How does one send out the signal, "I'm interested in you"?

With ceaseless, unblinking eye contact, of course!

How does one send out the signal, "I'm interested in abducting you off the street in open daylight"?

With CREEPER VANS, of course!

Imagine, if you will...

That-special-someone in your life is going to be stunned by your unyielding stare when you roll up on them silently and unexpectedly. Shocked, they'll look you up-and-down, see your CREEPER VANS, and turn tail and run!

But a chase is more fun, right?

Stroll by the elementary school playground.

Strut your stuff, you apex predator.

Don't even glance at the children racing over to peer through the fence at your swagger.

Now clip-clop those CREEPER VANS in some other direction before an adult sees you within 500 feet of a school.


  • Candy can be stored in the front of the shoe, in the driver's and passenger's seats*

  • Shoes double as an ankle monitor. Kiss that bulky bracelet by-bye!

  • Automatically creates and uploads wearer's identification information to state sex offender registry

  • Only comes in white. Yes, that's a feature.

*candy not included

CREEPER VANS sold wherever people sell shoes out of creepy vans.

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