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Biden Lops Off Own Hands, Screams "Are You Satisfied Now?"

Updated: Jul 19, 2019

The Impotent Satyr

Joe Biden with bloody stumps for hands.
"Would someone scratch my nose? I promise I won't sniff you. My fingers aren't crossed either."

An influx of women telling all-too-familiar creepy Joe Biden stories have come forth, leaving Democrats with a disturbing party leader who has been prompted to take decisive action to address the public's concerns. Today the former Vice President has let America know that he's changed--not mentally, but physically. Biden knows the saying "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" and how he is that dog. So the only way to curb his instinctive behavior of grabbing people by their face and getting up real close to them was to remove the two things that handle that business, namely, his hands.

Biden had reporters meet him at the place where it all began: out back behind the gym. "See," he went on to say, "back in high school we used to hold gladiator-style combat behind the gym during lunch hours. I was known for getting up real close to my opponents, saying something personal to throw them off their guard, like 'I just want to kiss your cheeks' and 'Daryl, you know how special you are to me, right?' or 'Give me a welt I can go home to later and cuddle with' for example. And then I'd take that moment to get my hands all over their body and flip them on their ass and break a wrist or two."

Joe began to get emotional. "So it was only fitting that I have you meet me here at this spot today," he said through tears. Unveiling a butcher cleaver from inside his jacket, the former Vice President outstretched his left hand and brought the knife down hard, separating it from his wrist. "Goodbye, Caesar," he whispered to his severed palm.

At this point the crowd of reporters was going ballistic. Half of the group started snapping photos while the other half began scrambling away in an all-out horror stampede. "I'm going to need some help from the audience for this next part," Biden called out. Never one to shy away from getting his own hands dirty, NBC's Chuck Todd stepped up to the podium and took hold of the cleaver. He swung hard but missed his mark, only dismembering Biden's thumb and forefinger. The 76-year-old cried out in pain, "Dammit, Todd! Did you chuck your aim away along with your journalism influence? I'm about to yeet the press, you hack!" Chuck swung again and managed at long last to lop off Biden's right hand.

Blood covered the podium where the two stood. "Are you satisfied now?" Biden screamed to the five remaining reporters with either strong stomachs or lack of a fight-or-flight instinct. "I'm sorry I said those mean words, Todd. Come here--let uncle Joe smell that beautiful ginger hair."

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