The Impotent Satyr
NASA is headed back to the moon! Americans and Mike Pence are thrilled. Astronauts are especially joyous because they'll finally get to cash in their salaries--space bucks--a highly valuable currency on the moon gift shop, but basically Monopoly money here on Earth (except for the Hot Topic in Tulsa, Oklahoma who accepts space bucks, but there are few astronauts who would be caught inside, shopping for My Chemical Romance T-shirts and AFI brand eye shadow).
The crew of 2024's wallets will be filled to the brim with their fellow astronauts' space bucks as they carry out snack purchase requests for the return trip. The surviving, original moon-walkers have pitched in their leftover space bucks and made their requests:
-Charles Duke wants some ruffles and a chocolate milk.
-Harrison Schmitt has asked for fruit leather, Swedish fish, and some Ruffles as well.
-Buzz Aldrin craves the satisfying nutty taste of peanut M&Ms. He swears that the moon gift shop's M&Ms are far superior to anything you'd find here on Earth. It's like when people vacation to Mexico, return to the US, and complain every. single. time. they eat domestic Mexican cuisine that it "tastes nothing like authentic Mexican street food." And what are you going to do, argue with them? They're probably right, but you don't know because "you've never been to Mexico. You HAVE to go! The food is so much better than anything here in the US." And that's when you catch them and yell at their dumb face, "YOU HAVEN'T BEEN EVERYWHERE IN THE U.S., BREALYNNE! SO SIT YOUR ASS DOWN AND ENJOY THE GODDAMN HUEVOS RANCHEROS PUT IN FRONT OF YOU AND BE GRATEFUL FOR IT!"
-And 87-year-old David Scott just wants something he doesn't have to chew.