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Mueller Accidentally Submits Dream Journal Instead of Report

Updated: Jul 19, 2019

The Impotent Satyr

On Friday, March 22, 2019 Special Council Robert Mueller submitted his findings of Russian interference in US Elections/President Donald J Trump's campaign. Or at least that's what he thought he turned in to Attorney General William Barr. What Mueller actually dropped on Barr's desk was his quite graphic dream journal from the past year and a half. Regardless, AG Barr released the heavily redacted journal to the public, with the statement,

"Parts of Mueller's submission have been blackened out for the safety of the Federal Government as well as for the sanity of its readers. There are images and concepts within that I wish I'd never read. I'll probably never get a full night's sleep ever again."

May 6, 2018

I was a lobster, again, on the Louisiana coast. Sons and daughters of the local pilgrims poked and prodded me with sticks. I snipped their shoe buckles to pieces. Also I set them on fire somehow.

June 21, 2018

I was sitting naked on the Lincoln Memorial--directly on Abraham Lincoln's stone lap--and reporters were taking pictures of me. I squirmed and tried to hide my genitals from their prying cameras. It began to snow. Lincoln looked down at me and touched my heart, physically, then said, "Hold on a sec, young Robert." Then he breathed fire on the onlookers. I felt safe in his arms.

June 22, 2018

I was a fish in tank. I ate what i thought was a Fruity Pebble and then retched when it turned out to be just a colorful stone. Pretty sure I died. :(

October 11, 2018

I showed up to work in my underwear, but no one told me until I was face-to-face with Will Ferrell and John C. Reiley, who made joke-after-joke about it. I ran away, but they followed me on Taun Tauns, finally catching me. John C. Reilly tackled me to the ground and used a lightsaber to cut me open. Instead of crawling inside me for warmth, he extracted a hidden tome underneath my large intestine. I awoke in a sweat with a hankering for Green Eggs and Ham.

December 30, 2018

I was a rice farmer in Vietnam. It was nice.

December 31, 2018

I was an American soldier in Vietnam. I set the rice farmers on fire. :(

February 14, 2019

I was walking through the White House when Lyndon Johnson strode past me smoking a cigar and without pants. He told me to meet him in his office and headed for the lavatory. I ran in the opposite direction.

March 20, 2019

I was a rice farmer in northern Korea. A group of fire extinguishers entered my village. I set myself on fire and flew into the sky as the Earth blew up below me. I looked back and saw Martin Sheen's body hurdling toward me at 100 miles per hour. He says to me, "Son, your ego is writing checks your body can't cash." I haven't even seen Top Gun, but I know that line--and I don't know who in the heck even says it--so I always put Martin Sheen's face there when I whisper that quote under my breath, which I do often. You know, I'm gonna see if it's on Netflix.

March 21, 2019

Tom Cruise didn't stop pestering me. I woke up and dreamt again and again, yet he followed me into each sequence. I finally had enough and set him on fire with my mind. He simply laughed, looked me in the eyes and said, "I want the truth." I handed him my report, and it burned to a crisp before me as he laughed and laughed and laughed. Then I felt a tap on my shoulder; I wheeled around to see Dick Cheney pointing a shotgun at my face. "Duck," he said before pulling the trigger.

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