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Pence Sex Tape Leak: 14 Mins of Fully-Clothed Missionary in Silence

Updated: Sep 18, 2019

The Impotent Satyr

A once-secret video depicting Mike and Karen Pence going at it was leaked to the internet, where it quickly made the rounds from viral sensationalism. The video's length clocks in at a meager 13 minutes and 53 seconds, 13 minutes and 22 seconds of which is completely silent. The dirty deed takes place in a bedroom specifically designated for the Pence's few-and-far-between lascivious acts, and the singular position used by the two is missionary. Not once during the bout do the married couple of then-23-years make eye contact.

When confronted with questions about the tape at a press conference, the Vice President told reporters that "those were the wildest years of my life" and that "the days of 14 minutes-long coitus are way behind me...I don't like to keep Karen from her baking...we burned that mattress afterward. And every mattress I lay on, for that matter, where my brain conceives a sexual thought."

Pence stopped talking then and tilted his head toward his feet. As he stood behind a podium, no one in the room could tell what he was looking at, but he then began to furiously punch downward and whisper what was later identified as a Hail Mary. As quickly as he started, he stopped and turned his attention back to the reporters. He told them, "I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but that will conclude this press briefing. I have to step out back and burn this podium."

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