Oh boy, I haven't written a full-length stairwell review in a long time. This one deserves it, though, as it's Hoquiam's equivalent to Olympia's Port Plaza Viewing Tower, which I reviewed just over a year ago. As my older readers can attest to, I used to lick the stairwells as part of the reviewing process. Well, I haven’t licked a stair since…
April 2018: The Evergreen State College Library Building East Stairwell. There was a painting of two dragons 69ing. It was eye-opening and tongue-retracting.
So back to this Hoquiam stairwell; the whole thing was covered in green grime--not the Canadian electronic musician, yet not unlike her. The stairs may have been slippery, but I was wearing my non-slip boots because safety first, bitch. When I made it to the top I saw a handful of ghosts of dead teenagers vandalizing a wall with the name of their gang: Tunnel$lut.
I said to them, “What in Pete Davidson’s mouth are you doing?”
They replied by crudely drawing a picture of me wearing a saddle and being ridden by jockey Jeff Goldblum. I couldn’t be mad. Tunnel$lut and I then commenced a draw-off: a battle fought by creating absurd pictures of each other.
I drew the ghost named Makayala (yes, with an extra “a”) stabbing Julius Caesar in the back with a straw and drinking him like an Orange Julius.
I was drawn eating Jerry Mathers alive as his childhood role of Beaver Cleaver.
I drew the ghost, Nate, wearing a cowboy hat and riding a dead-and-falling-towards-the-ocean Osama Bin Laden (a Dr Strangelove homage).
I was drawn being held by Edgar Martinez in place of his baseball bat, my ankles covered in pine tar.
Finally, I drew this Gibby character as the one-and-only Gibby from Nickelodeon’s iCarly, except my Gibby was in a taco filled with intestines and marinara.
The Tunnel$lut ghosts wailed and vanished as I was crowned the winner by Bob Costas’ ethereal voice. I did a victory dance and perused the sights the tower had to offer before taking my leave. Before I made it across the bridge, ghost Gibby apparated his ass an inch before my face and unleashed a behemoth of a fart that produced a flood of tears from my eyes and simultaneously burned them away.
4/5 would sniff again.