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Election Day: Fed Holiday? McConnell Despairs "Hovering" Bureaucrats

Updated: Aug 2, 2023

The Impotent Satyr

Mitch McConnel hurls on wife Elain Chao

While Democrats introduce the democracy-reform package: For the People Act (which would make Election Day a nationally-observed paid holiday), Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) pushes back, saying, "This is the Democrats' plan to 'restore democracy': extra taxpayer-funded vacation for bureaucrats to hover around while Americans cast their ballots."

In 1870 Congress passed the first federal holiday law, paying all federal employees in Washington D.C. during the following holidays: New Year's, Independence, Thanksgiving, and Christmas Day. Since then, whenever a federally-recognized holiday rolls around, our bureaucrats lift off the ground--some a few inches, others many feet.

And Mitch is plain old tired of hovering around the air during those days. He's seen and touched all the cool things non-hovering people can't see or touch: the vast amounts of collected dust on top of the ceiling fan, his reflection in the foyer chandelier ornaments, the dust on top of the big screen TV, the unexplainable spaghetti stain on the timber beam 20-feet off the ground, a DaVinci-like code hidden within the seams of Mitch's historic Confederate battle flag hanging above his mantle that led him on a clue-hunting adventure with Rand Paul and Paul Ryan which ended when the trio awoke hungover in Nicolas Cage's Newport Beach mansion, with Ryan wearing nothing but Cage's leather jacket and a half-eaten Fudgesicle hanging out of his mouth; and many other high-reaching objects wearing a nice coat of dust.

Anyway, Mitch is tired of hovering. It upsets his stomach. "The Pepto Bismal doesn't stay down anymore and ends up turning my wife into a Jackson Pollock art piece," the 76 year old senator said. "While freshman senators may enjoy the zero-gravity conditions during these paid holidays, after thirty plus years I'm done. I keep bonking my head on the ceiling."

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